By Brie Gowen
We were rushing out to the van. I dont know what it is about once you have kids, and how that somehow makes it impossible to leave the house on time. You can start getting ready hours ahead of schedule, but when its time to go shoes disappear, people gotta poop, and everyone loses their mind. Including mama. So there I am prying a four year old from the Tv after calling three times, get in the van, Im holding a sick newborn on my hip( like got a chest X-ray to rule out pneumonia yesterday, sick ), and holding my phone to my ear, waiting to speak with my insurance company, as the piercing music of an on-hold concerto drills into my skull.
Come on! Lets go! Get in your seat! I cry passionately( and also manically ).
This is the moment my six year old daughter have been selected to pull out a secret box containing the worlds sharpest knives. She picks an especially serrated one, aims with accuracy, and drives it into my back in the form of these terms, _____ never freaks out, and she has more kids than you!
She had spent the working day under the care of another mom who apparently didnt lose her marbles as frequently as I, and though I was under no illusion that this mommy was perfect, in this moment I felt about as far from it as you could get.
To be honest I felt crushed. I slid behind the steering wheel of my less than immaculate minivan, and I felt too small to be at the helm. I definitely felt lower than the windshield; I felt lower than clay. I considered the many times I lose my cool, and I realise is again just how short I fall on a daily basis. Why couldnt I get it right ?!
I had one job that was important to me, and the number of jobs was to raise my tiny humen. I wanted to do it really well, better than anything else I tried in life, but sometimes I felt as if my children deserved better than the lot they had been given when they got me as a mom. Just being honest.
I couldnt maintain a clean house like my little sister did.
I wasnt always fun and easy-going like my other sister was.
I couldnt seem to be organized like the many homeschool moms I knew.
My mind could go on and on with all the things I wasnt, but all I could focus on at the time was what I was. I was not good enough for my kids. Not in my eyes.
Of course I texted my husband and shared it all with him, and in signature Ben fashion he spoke to the heart of the matter.
Well all that matters is you love them and they know it , nothing else matters. I guess keeping them alive and in one piece matters too though
I smiled. I loved him big.
Then he shared this 😛 TAGEND And now, dear lady, I am not writing you a new command but one we have had from the beginning. I ask that we love each other. And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love .
2 John 1:5 -6 NIV
As I read Gods truth I realise many of my issues with annoyance could be more properly channeled by running them through the love filter. Was running late that big of a bargain that it required an unloving tone? Not likely. But even beyond the obvious truth and learning available in this scripture I heard Gods voice. His Holy Spirit spoke to my heart and it whispered,
You need to love yourself too.
That was certainly something I needed to work on.
I wasnt the perfect mommy. I wasnt even like other moms I compared myself to sometimes, but I was my kids mama. And it so happened last God dedicated them to me. He knew the various kinds of mom Id be before I ever conceived, and He knew I was up for the challenge. He knew I would be the best mom for each child He designed within my womb, specifically for me. They say God never gives you more than you can manage, but in motherhood thats especially not true. I experience things on an almost daily basis that are more than I can handle. I think what they mean is God never gives you more than He can handle. He gave me motherhood. Its my gift. My favorite gift actually. And He also provides me the strength to handle every challenge as it comes. So do I always handle each situation gracefully? Probably not. But they are loved, they know they are loved, and that counts for a whole lot.
Sometimes I may feel like they deserve better than me, but then I recollect God places His best within me so I can be exactly what they need.