I’m so tiredof everyone acting likesuch an vexing goody two-shoes when it comes to having a work crush.
“OH, IT’S SO UNPROFESSIONAL! DON’T EVER FALL FOR ANYONE AT WORK! ” basic bitches drone on and on, flipping their perfectly styled, blow-dried hair with their perfectly manicured fingers.
Every time I hear a woman vehemently preach against the idea of the office romance, I take a long, hard look at her. And 9 periods out of 10, this woman is resulting a boring, dismal life that I wouldn’t want to lead anyway.
OK, so maybeI’m being tooharsh and I’m projecting my own insecurities about being RECKLESS and IRRESPONSIBLE onto the more “pulled together” woman, but, like, whatever . It’s Friday morning, and I leave for the f* cking south of France in two days. What the hell do you expect? Subtlety? Sweetness? I’m going to Europe, the birthplace of the unapologetic fierce female. I’m practicing, OK?
Kittens, rules are meant to be broken, especially when it comes to matters of sexuality and love. Plus, we all know that crushes make life more fun. Run sucks, and having a little bit of sex exhilaration in the office will only stimulate your dull life better.
I like to think about it like this: When I’m a 90 -year-old spinster ridden with liver places( but still appearing fab in head-to-toe Chanel, DUH ), will I look back on doing sinful things, like bolt my co-worker, with remorse and regret? Hell no! In fact, my 90 -year-old self is wagging her thumb at me right now from the nursing home and saying, “DO IT, YOUNG ZARA.”
Do we want to pen an interesting, lively memoir full of screwups, boundless glory, massive highs and brutal lows? Why yes, I think we do, thankyouverymuch . Alife expended playing by the rules does not a New York Timesbestseller attain. Drugs, sexuality, rock and roll( and having sexuality withyour co-worker) does.
So stop listening to bearing chicks lecturing you about how much of your bagel you should scoop out, what barre class you need to be taking and whom you should be crushing on. I support you.
Now that we’ve established that it’s OKto follow through with your office crush without remorse( candidly, guilt is a useless feeling. Get over the whole guilt thing. It’sboring ), I’m going to give you a few tips-off and tricks to help you seduce your workcrush.Here is my 7-step no-fail guide.
Step 1: Be low-key about it.
You have to keep your workcrush a massive secret. Otherwise, Debbie from the third floor who already hates your intestines is going to spread rumors like wildfire, and the next thing you know, the bitch from HR will be calling you in for a meeting. I don’t want that for you.
So simply don’t tell anyone, you hear? Message me, your lesbian big sister, on Facebookif you need to gush. And please, please beware of happy hour. It will always lead to you uncovering your work crush, and somehow it will get back to Debbie.
Also, secrets are just SEXY. Your crush will be amplified if you keep it strictly to yourself. It will add a whole other component of sin, and what’s sexier than sin? Nothing.
Step 2: Step up your attire game.
I get that most people don’t work in surroundings where crop tops and torn jeans areallowed.However, it’s really fun to try and dress sexy whilefeeling oppressed by astifling dress code. Suppose of it as a challenge( which will add another element of sexiness to your work crush, because challenges get us hot ).
I say go a little fetishy with your “business casual.” If you’re into femme manner, rock the skintight pencil skirt, black porn superstar/ sexy librarian glass and a no-nonsense blazer. Run dressed-up in character of the sexy business archetype. It drives both men and women wild( I don’t know how the hell you sway, and I don’t care. Business women are HOT, whether you’re homosexual, straight-out, bi or questioning ).
Instead of wearing sensible flats, put on a coy kitten heel. And most importantly, adorn that leg in super-slutty thigh highs instead of bearing tights. Yeah, your crush might never see them, but you are able to~ feel~ like a naughty vixen when wearing them. Thigh highs are likehiding a sexy little secret tucked beneath your stiff pencil skirt. And haven’t we already established that secrets are sexy?
For my ladies into more “masculine” style, you need to dress like a powerful business woman who may or may not moonlight as a dominatrix on the weekend.I’m talking full suit that’s perfectly tailored to your hot body. Keep the hair out of your face, wear some come-f* ck-me boots and strut around the office like you’re going to whip anyone who cuts you in line at the water cooler. It will drive both men and women altogether bonkers, and is certainly catch “members attention” of your office crush.
Step 3: Send bitchy e-mails.
We all know that there are scary corporate forces monitoring everything we do on our run laptops, so you need to proceed with caution here. However, there is a very subtle style to flirt via email that will totally come off the undersexed heads from corporate who sit around all day trolling employee emails.
The way to do it is to start by being really harsh. We all have a hidden fiction of being taken advantage of by a bossy co-worker, right? Or is that just me? Anyway, email your office crush in a very over-the-top and curt style.
“Rob, I need you to faxthe documents to LA ASAP”
Don’t even sign your name. Trust me, Rob will be like, “Who does this bitch think she is, bossing me around !? ” But he’ll like it. He will slowly become intrigued. Then, start throwing him little bones…
“Rob, I need you to volume me a conference room at 4 pm. Oh, and thank you for the fax yesterday…”
Rob( or Roberta) will start to yearn for your approval. Your subtle email validation will be addictive. It’s the perfect style to manipulate someone into having a crush on you.
I’m not saying this is morally right. But hey, you’re the one with the sinful office crush, and I’m a notorious sin enabler. So let’s not act innocenthere. That ship has sailed.
Step 4: Lightly brush up against him or her.
Since you’ve been garmenting sexy and sending out bitchy emails, you’re already halfway to the bedroom. Well done. I’m so proud of your scandalous progress.
Now it’s time to amp up the game a little. If you see your crush( this time we’ll employ a girl, for my fellow lesbians) refilling her coffee from all regions of the room, christen yourlips with lipgloss and stimulate your way toward her with fierceness and confidence.
If you’re nervous, just feign you took a tequila shot. I do that all the time when I have social nervousnes.
You need to “accidentally” brush up against her. Then, you must say, “Oh sorry, I didn’t see you there! My bad”with a sexy little smirk onyour face.
And she will be left with the persisting sensation of your body softly pressed up against hers for the rest of the day. Works like a charm.
Step 5: Go for after-work drinks.
You’re finally ready for the after-work drink.
“Hey Rob, want to grab a drink after work? It’s BEEN A DAY! ” you dramatically lament, your porn starring glasses resting at the tip-off of your nose, your red lips pouting and your power blazer perfectly ironed.
This will lead you perfectly into the next step…
Step 6: Have sex with him or her.
We all know what after-work drinkings leads to. Sex. Preferably in your crush’s apartment , not yours, because you still want to maintain an air of mystery.
Step 7: Aloud dismiss your crushthe next day.
Don’t act all awkward and flirtatious in the office. That’s annoying, and your crush will merely feel disconcerted. Be sure to aloud ignore your crush in the office from that point forward. It will add to a longer-lasting affair.
He or she will crave your attention at work, butyou won’t give him or her the time of day. This will make the sex actually explosive because ithasthe additional dimension of scandal and resentment.
And that’s the ultimate objectives right? Explosive sex? Of course it is.