The Hardest Things To Accept About Good Parents

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Do you have parents? Chances are you do, as few of us have mastered self-causality and those that have probably don’t read my articles. For the rest of us, we tend to go through a large part of our lives recognizing just about everyone we fulfill as a real person except for the people responsible for creating us, who get relegated to “parent” status instead of personhood. And woe be to anything that turns a parent into a person, like the time you caught them having sex or watched them get sick, because it strips away all the stuff you built up in childhood and presents you with someone who is just as real, confused, and imperfect as everybody else. Good or bad, parents are supposed to be different, that’s why they’re parents. And then one day that all comes crashing down when you realize …


There’s A Near 100 Percent Chance They Were Bullied

If you’ve gone through any sort of schooling that includes other children, chances are you’re entirely too familiar with the word “slut.” Or “fag.” Maybe “homo, ” “retard, ” or a wide variety of racial slurs if you’re a visible minority, too. That’s where school is at and has been at since probably forever. No doubt children back in the 1600 s were tossing out zingers like “thou art a cream-faced loon” and “ye fat guts! ” to other kids playing Hold The Stick or Avoid Polio or whatever children did back then. And your folks got it, too.

iStock/ shironosov
Your mom . At some phase in your mom’s life, someone called her a slut .~ ATAGEND A harlot. A bitch. There’s a good wager it happened more than once. Just like they called your dad a faggot. I can virtually guarantee that happened because it happened to literally everyone I asked and it sure as hell happened to me. Most kids put up with this. Even many of the bullies who do the name calling had it tossed at them at some point in time. This is basically grade school vernacular despite all the assurances that schools and governments try to make about anti-bullying.

I had friends in high school who tossed out the word fag like you’d sprinkle salt on a steak. I know a guy who would actually put a pillow between him and whoever he was sitting next to on a sofa and call it a “gay wall.” Not that any of us were openly gay, but he thought it was funny to not have to sit close enough to touch another dude. He thought it was so funny he did this every time we sat down for several years. So in case you’re wondering where intolerant dinks who are afraid of who shares their bathroom come from , now you know.

The dumb person’s last line of defense against the gay danger .

You probably ensure or experienced all of this yourself at some point — maybe not the homosexual wall, that kid was really weird. But the name calling is par for the course. And yet did you ever stop to imagine your mothers had to experience that, too? Your mommy wore a sweater that proved off her figure one day, and the entire Ping-Pong team called her a skank. Your dad drank homo milk in the cafeteria once and was called Milky McHomo for the rest of the year. This shit happened. What’s weirder is they may have even gotten it worse than you did.

Trying to imagine your mothers as children being bullied is a weird thing to wrap your head around. Imagining them get shredded by assholes with big hair and ugly shoes, then going home to grandma and grandpa who told them to man up or eat more tapioca or some kind of shitty old-person advice. You parents were probably just like you once. That’s scary as shit. Like shit garmented as a ghost or a masked murderer that sneaks up behind you, that sort of shit.


They Likely Had WAY More Sex Than You As Adolescents

In 2013, 47 percent of high schoolers reported having had sexuality before. That’s nearly half and since you have two parents, that entails probably in high school at least one of your mothers was getting or devoting the D even if they get straight As. And that rate was actually an extreme low, down around 14 percent to girl children and over 20 percent for boys from the 1980 s. In 1988 60 percent of sons reported having sexuality and 51 percent of daughters did, meaning one of your parents perfectly got boned after Geography one day. And sure, you’ve be dealing with the idea that your mothers are sexual beings. Perhaps you caught them in the rain misusing a loofa one day, it happens. But your brain didn’t want you to consider the ramifications, did it? Your mind wasn’t immediately thinking, “Shit, how long has this been going on? Since nine months before me, surely, but before then? Was there a hour when my parents were my age or younger when my dad achieved a masterful, veiny erection and inserted it into my mother’s vagina for recreational purposes? Good God, have they always been a couple or were they doing this with strangers before I was born? WHO HAS SEEN MY MOTHER’S LABIA ?? “

iStock/ IPGGutenbergUKLtd
“Me! ” “I did! ” “Yeah, me too! ” “So did I! ” “Me and my cousins, at the same period! ”

The teen pregnancy rate in 2013 was 27 per 1000. The all-time high, since such things were recorded, was 1957 at 96 per 1000. 1957 was also the year Elvis released “All Shook Up” which is apparently what all the children were doing with their gonads back then. Old timers were right, boulder ‘n’ roll is a bad influence!

Likely your parents fit somewhere in the middle of those statistics, so perhaps your mom got pregnant in high school or perhaps she only had a friend who did. But whatever the example, the odds are in favor of your mom knowing what penis tasted like before she got her certificate and your papa knew why “watch the teeth! ” was an important phrase to learn.

Is it bad your mothers probably smeared their love maggot on each other or other people when they were too young to vote? Of course not. If nothing else, I’m trying to show you that most people do it. Then they tend to get old and tell you not to do it or, if they’re actually uptight, they get government employment creation and try to mandate that you never do it, especially if it involves turning the sunlights on, members of the same sexuality, or anything that might elicit audible voices. It’s not always safe and we all learn been like living with the consequences if we do something stupid but the point is, it’s part of the human experience and your mothers are likely to be human once and that’s something we try to avoid realizing.

Why don’t we want to recognize any of this about our folks? Well, let’s be honest, it’s super gross. Sexuality is beautiful and natural. Your parents having sexuality is an abomination. But more than that it stimulates them too normal. Too natural. Birds do it. Bees do it. That puppy in the alley down the street does it all the time. Your parents don’t need to do it. They need to give you allowance and a bicycle and Happy Meals.


Their Dumbassery Would Likely Give Yours A Run For Its Money

There’s a good chance everything your mothers ever “ve told you” not to do was something they themselves did. And as an adult this makes a ton of sense — you managed your youth with all the grace of a monkey on peyote so when you have kids of your own, you try to pass on what you learned. You once find a buddy get drunk and fuck an ostrich; that’s not the legacy you want for your family, so you create your children with sage advice like “never fuck an ostrich.” Then one day the kid’s 18 and you get a call from the policemen saying they were picked up on charges of ostrich fuckery and aggravated bird buggery. It’s the circle of life.

I know for a fact my daddy did hard time before I was born. And I don’t mean a weekend in district for pissing out of his window into a Burger King drive-thru as one does when they turn 16 and get a car. I entail years in a high-security facility. No one has ever told me the whole story, I just know some of the newspaper details that I had to look up on my own because what he did built the damn newspapers. It involved a high-powered rifle and the downtown core of the town he lived in. I’m from some primo stock.

Growing up, my dad was accomplished at three things — watching TV, napping in between bouts of watching Tv, and lifting his leg to fart while watching TV. I never would have guessed he was a hardcore felon. Upon learning he was a hardcore offender there wasn’t truly anything to do or say, it just made me mistrust my entire childhood and wonder how many other lies were creeping simply below the surface of everything I ever believed. You know, that old story.

Your parents perfectly did something stupid. They drank, they did medications, they shot up a few cop automobiles, whatever it was. They did it and they’ve likely been strutting around acting all responsible ever since, when the truth is as grim and stupid as anyone else’s.


They’ve Definitely Picked A Favorite

If you’re not an only child, there came a time in your life when you concluded you were probably better than your siblings and you needed verification of this so you asked your mothers who their favorite was. Most mothers probably hit up the classic “I love you all the same” line, because how could any parent ever pick favourites amongst their precious little spawn? Make no mistake, they were lying their asses off.

Your parents had a favorite .~ ATAGEND Of course they had a favorite. Who loves any two things the same? What does that even entail? That’s a bullshit thing to say. Merely a kid who never requires any justification could ever fall for that. You love tacos more than burgers. You love your Keds more than old bread purses tied at your ankles, and by God you love the kid who doesn’t suck more than the kid who kind of sucks.

If you recognize your brother is an asshole, opportunities are your mothers did, too. Where do you think adult assholes even come from? Was there any opportunity Donald Trump’s mother went to bed every night without once thinking, “the fuck happened here? ” Now it doesn’t mean your fuck-up brother isn’t well loved. Your folks may love your fuck-up friend so much they’d die for him , no questions asked. But maybe they’d die for you and leave more to you in the will, too.

By the same token, you may the working day have come to the realization that your parents probably questioned, out loud, to each other and to friends, if your head was actually lodged inside your own ass. Probably more than once. Anyone who has kids now or has friends with children has very likely noticed different degrees with which parents will, all lovingly of course, merely trash talk the hell out of their kids when they do something dumb. And why not? You’ve probably called your best friend a shithead at some phase in your life since they are acted all shitheady; it’s no different when it is necessary to kids.

The hardest thing to realize about mothers is that, if they weren’t your mothers, they’d be you. They’d be your friend, your coworker, the asshole who cut you off on the way to Applebee’s or the asshole who indicated you eat at Applebee’s. They didn’t know anything more than you do for the most proportion, but they probably expended the majority of members of their own lives deceiving you into thinking they did because that’s the privilege of being a mother — totally bullshitting your kids in the hopes they turn out largely okay.

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