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Game of Thrones Recap: This Girl Is On Fire

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This weeks episode of was perhaps the happiest in the shows existence, which means that next week they will take absolutely everything we love away, and I will live in constant anxiety until then. In the meantime, theres a lot we get to celebrate: Stark reunions, newfound alliances, and Danaerys taking down men in only the way she can.

The Reunion Heard Round the World

After Jons dramatic exit last week, you would have thought he only waltzed off into the wild to start his solitary life as a total hermit. Wrong. He dramatically stormed right to his room, where he is met by his friend whose name I now know to be Edd. Thanks, Wikipedia.

Edd is not happy that Jon has the nerve to bail after being murdered by a bunch of traitors that he risked their own lives multiple times to protect. Jon has not been happy once in the past five years, so at the least now everyone is on the same page.

At that moment, the gates open and Sansa, Brienne, and Podrick ride in. At this point in my life, this show has so severely violated me that I still refused to believe this reunion was going to happen. Was Jon going to bail before he saw Sansa? Was a White Walker going to show up and stab her before she made it inside? Was Drogon going to fly over and torch everyone? All of these scenarios seemed more likely than what we actually get: pure unadulterated exhilaration as two of the saddest Starks( which is really saying a lot) were finally reunited. Create your hand if your heart shattered into a million tiny pieces.

The only thing that could possibly confuse me from the scene that the world has waited five years for was the raging sex tension between Tormund and Brienne. Set that flaming eye contact to some Temper Trap and you have the makings of a really strange rom com.

Everyone dedicates Sansa and Jon some privacy to recount the horrors theyve each suffered since everyone constructed the single worst decision in the world to leave Winterfell. Their happiness, however, can only last so long before they get down to business. Sansa is dead set on taking Winterfell back from the Boltons, while Jon is trying to escape to a tropical island with Ghost and never see anyone again for as long as he lives.

Jon : All Ive done since Ive left home is fight people and Im tired of it.
Sansa : Oh yeah, my life has been a PICNIC.

Possibly my favorite part of season six so far is Sansas evolution into a boss-ass bitch. No one is stopping her from taking back her home , not even whiny-ass Jon. She tells him that, while shed really enjoy his help, shes more than willing to wage war by herself if he has to.

Jon : Yo you got kinda scary since the last hour I saw you.
Sansa: Yeah, I spent a lot of time with Cersei Lannister.

Back outside, Davos takes this opportunity to catch up with Melisandre about what happened during those final days in Stannis camp. I guess he couldnt smell the charred twelve-year-old from the Wall.

Davos : Hey, so whatever happened to Shireen?
Melisandre: New phone who dis.Melisandre skirts over the part where she persuaded a human to burn his daughter alive and tells Davos that it doesnt really matter what happened with Stannis, because Jon is clearly the Prince who was promised, and she serves him now. Davos seems suspicious but doesnt have time to voice his opinions before Brienne busts up into the conversation for a quick chat about her favorite topic: the death of Renly Baratheon. The conversation basically went like this:

Davos : Uh, who are you.
Brienne: The bitch who executed Stannis BOY, BYE.

Somewhere in the distance, Tormund is definitely evoked. He demonstrates this later at dinner by seductively eating his bread and gazing aggressively across the table at Brienne. Edd is uncomfortable. Podrick is uncomfortable. The world is uncomfortable. I am ALL for it.

Dinner is interrupted by the arrival of a letter from Ramsey, which basically reads, if youre ready “re coming” get onto. The actual letter is nearly more brutal than a face-to-face conversation with Ramsey. In an alternate life, he would have left some scathing YouTube comments.

Sansa: He has Rickon. We have to go.
Jon : Honestly, do either of us even really remember Rickon?

Jon stops reading the letter out loud when it gets to the part with rape menaces for Sansa, but Sansa No Shit Stark simply finishes it for him. Tormund pauses his one-way eye-sex session to volunteer his 2,000 -person wildling army, which will still be not match for Ramseys 5,000.

While hes clearly still hesitant, Jon agrees that its is high time to suit up and take back Winterfell. Actual footage I am hoping we receive from Sansa storming Winterfell 😛 TAGEND

A Much-Less-Exciting Reunion

Theon has finally induced it home, and shockingly enough “were not receiving” warm reception waiting for him. Not even, like, a single kind term or hug for the guy who got his dick chopped off by a psychopath. The Iron Islands seem like a fairly not chill place to grow up.

It turns out that Yara is still very upset about the failed rescue endeavor that Theon ruined, which lost her a few good humen. Shes also incredibly suspicious that he shows up right before the Kingsmoot, as if anyone would look at Theon and think, He persuades her that all he wants is to help her win and maybe take a thirty year nap. Honestly, someone just give this child some hot chocolate and a corner to sit in, and hell likely be fairly content.

The Vale

Remember the creepy-ass Arryn kid who was breast feeding at the tender age of ten? Against all odds hes still alive, and showing about as much promise at archery as I did back at camp when I was ten. Which is to say, absolutely none at all. Other developments include a freshly deep voice and even more of a predilection for throwing humen out the moon door than before. He candidly might just be Rico from Hannah Montana, TBA.

Robins developing with his babysitter bannerman Lord Royce is interrupted by the return of the creepiest uncle in Westeros: Petyr Baelish. In case you all forgot, Baelish sold Sansa to the Boltons and then peaced out to continue his scheming across the country. Lord Royce surely hadnt neglects and low-key accuses Littlefinger of being a shady fucker, and hes not wrong.

Unfortunately for Royce, Baelish is probably the second smartest guy in this reveal, and Robin Arryn is wrapped around his little fingers. He turns the accusation around and claims that Royce alerted the Boltons to his travel plans, which was how they managed to get their hands on Sansa. At this point, Robin is down to throw him out the moon door , not because he cares about his cousin Sansa, but more likely because hes bored and hasnt watched anyone plummet to their death in a while.

At this phase, Petyr does what he does best and manipulates a child into doing his bidding. He pardons Royce and then convinces Robin to send humen out to Winterfell to save Sansa. This means that the Vale is now officially involved in this mess, something theyve been actively trying to avoid for the past five years. Idk what Baelish has a bigger boner for, Sansa or manipulation, but he only managed to combine the two yet again.

Mereen

Tyrion has invited the Masters of Slavers Bay over to negotiate an objective to this Sons of the Harpy nonsense. While his decision is a strategically sound move, neither Missandei nor Grey Worm are on board. They dont have much experience with politics other than Danaerys take no prisoners, burn everything down in a grand magical gesture” approach. Which, to be fair, is super cool, but not really in Tyrions wheelhouse. It also hasnt proven to be all that effective in the long run.

Despite their suspicions, both Missandei and Grey Worm attend the meeting in a show of support. Meanwhile, Tyrions posture and general demeanor is that of a hungover child trying to make it through his 8am lecturing. His offer, however, is solid.

Tyrion tells the Masters that the rest of Slavers Bay will have seven years to slowly phase slavery out of their systems, rather than build a new infrastructure overnight. The Master will be compensated for their loss, and in return they will stop secretly supporting the Sons of the Harpy. He hurls some prostitutes in to sweeten the bargain and then strolls out. Missandei and Grey Worm follow , not remotely pleased. Im thinking that a certain white-haired Queen that actually dislikes compromise will also not be pleased once she rides her dragon back into town.

Missandei and Grey Worm supporting Tyrion when a group of former slaves tackle him in the throne room, but in private they make their dissent very clear. Grey Worm speaks more in this scene than he has in the indicates entire running period, and the gist is that they are not down to allow one more day of bondage, let alone seven years. Hmmm, why does this feel curiously familiar…

Kings Landing

The High Sparrow springtimes Margaery from her cell for a long-winded talk that I found to be incredibly bearing. Apparently Westeros Bernie used to be a high end shoe decorator who made a bunch of fund and threw parties for his friends. So he sounds 100% more enjoyable than the current High Sparrow. After a particularly bad hangover, he decided to abandon his life of depravity and imagination shoes for a pious, shoeless existence. Seems like a slight overreaction to me, but whatever.

After this talk he lets her finally consider Loras, who is handling captivity worse than anyone. This wasnt some altruistic move on the Sparrows part; he knew that Margaery was too strong to violate on her own, but that she wouldnt be able to watch Loras suffer. She tells Loras to get his shit together, because the only route that they can win this battle is by not giving up. His answer to this is to cry and whine a lot. For sure the least useful Tyrell.

Clearly the High Sparrows scheme ran, because Cersei walks in on Pycell discussing the situation facing Tommen. It sounds like Margaery has agreed to take her walk of atonement in exchange for her an Loras release. Despite what you might expect, Cersei is not happy about this.

Cersei : Margaerys safety is paramount.
Tommen : Can you try and sound a little more sincere.
Cersei: No.

As it turns out, Cerseis hatred for Margaery has been eclipsed by her need for retaliation against the Sparrows. Respect for Kings and Queens is more important than her hatred of women who are younger and prettier than she is, so you know this shit just got serious. Serious enough that Cersei and Jaime are able to rally Lady Olenna and Uncle Kevan to their side. The Tyrells dont want their glistening superstar paraded naked through the streets of Kings Landing, and the Lannisters want the Sparrows out, so the least likely truce in Westeros is made.

Their plan: The Tyrell army will march to Kings Landing to take on the Sparrows. Kevan, who is the Hand of the King and has sworn to not interfere with the Sparrows, will do simply that. He will not interfere , nor will the Kings Guard, as the Tyrell army takes out a barefoot cult who have succeeded in overpower an entire city. Will this plan work? Likely not. But its fun watching two HBICs come together over a common enemy.

Kevan: A bunch of people are going to die if we do this
Lady Olenna : Ive never cared about other people before and I certainly dont plan on starting now.

Winterfell

Ramsey has summoned a newly clean and garbed Osha to his private one-quarters, where he is menacingly peeling an apple, so we all know this can only end one of two ways. Hint: its the much sadder way.

Osha succeeds in actually attaining Ramsey laugh and the shock on his face probably mirrored my own. Is that a spark of actual feeling? Is this a love connect in the making? Can Ramsey possibly be redeemed? I will come to disregard each of these thinks in the next two minutes, but it was fun to dream while it lasted.

Ramsey wants to know why Osha stuck around to protect Rickon for so long, and if her allegiance to the Starks will be an issue in the future. She makes a big show of claiming that she was just trying to construct some fund, and then backs up her statement by immediately climbing into Ramseys lap. At this point, her fate may have still been up in the air, until we all insured her eyeing Ramseys knife. Bad move, Osha. Bad move.

Ramsey: Youre a better talker than Theon Greyjoy.
Osha : Maybe dont mention Theon while Im grabbing your dick.

While he appeared to be enjoying the free hand job, Ramsey was onto Osha and her big tough Wildling act. Lest we forget, Theon was Ramseys bitch for a long time and knew that Osha was protecting Bran and Rickon out of the goodness of her heart. The thought of someone doing something strictly out of kindness probably killed his boner, so Ramsey opted for stabbing Osha in the neck instead. And then went back to eating his apple. Why did I think this would end any differently?

Vaes Dothrak

DAARIO IS BACK. Jorah too, but I choose to focus on the positives. It looks like their journey to Khaleesi has finally come to an end as they arrive at the Vaes Dothrak. Daario has literally spent the entire last leg of the journey telling Jorah hes too old and out of shape to even think about having sexuality with Danaerys. Moon of my life. My sun and stars.

Jorah knows about the Dosh Khaleen, because he has access to Dothraki Wikipedia, I guess. He tells Daario they have to abandon their weapons if they want to make it into the city without get murdered. Daario kisses his knife so tenderly that I had to pause the display and do a lap around my house. He also spots Jorahs grayscale and pulls back on the old man gags a bit.

They wait until night to break into the city. The rampant drinking, stumbling, and public sex is giving me some hardcore Cabo spring break vibes. The Dothraki would probably be pretty fun to party with until they started raping and murdering everyone. Jorah and Daario are spotted by two Dothraki who are not convinced by Jorahs lies about being lost wine merchants. Daario kills one before he can alerting anyone else, and Jorah resorts to Hurl SAND in the other Dothrakis face to try and distract him. This is the same man who opposed his way through an entire slave melee, but sure.

The leader of the Dosh Khaleen turns out to be fairly chill. Shes explaining everyones sad backstories and talking mad shit on all the Khals and Im thinking that if Dany didnt have a country to take over that maybe hanging here wouldnt be the worst thing that could happens to her.

Prediction : she rallies all the widows to her side and starts a Taylor Swift-style squad that reenacts the “Bad Blood” video while they seek vengeance against the men who incarcerated them here. As you all no doubt know by now, what we ended up get wasnt that far off.

While out getting fresh air with one of the younger widows, Dany is happened upon by Jorah and Daario. They want to try and fight their way out of the city, but naturally Khaleesi has a better plan.

She gratifies with the council of Khals who are supposedly choosing her fate. JOKES. I honestly live for the brief scenes where Dany only gets to shit on an entire room of arrogant, entitled humen, which means that the last five minutes of last nights episode were the highlighting of my weekend.

Watching as she set fire to the shanty that all the Khals were locked in, merely to walk out wholly unscathed, literally cured my hangover. It was like. The rest of the Dothraki gathered to see what the fuck could have taken out all of their leaders in one fell swoops, and proceeded to watch in awe as Danaerys walks out of the flame, butt ass naked and smirking like a God.

They all prow before her, which is probably also how I would react to seeing Emilia Clarkes perfect naked body. Not even Jorah and Daario are immune to her magnificence, but that doesnt stop Jorah from taking a second peak before bowing his head in deference. I cant even be mad, because same.

Betch of the Week: Khaleesi.

Feeling bad about yourself? Rewatch that scene. Repeat until empowered. Peace and blessings.

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Read more: www.betches.com

December 20, 2017
December 20, 2017
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