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Betchocracy 2016: Everyone Detests Everyone

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Welcome to the Betchocracy 2016, where every week well be breaking down the top narratives from the 2016 Presidential campaign. Buckle up, because November 8th is still a long way away. The Iowa Caucus, however, is on February 1st, so everyone is eager to attain some big moves before its too late.

SHITSTORM

If youve been paying any attention to the campaign so far, “youre supposed to” know that the Republican primary field is a divinity damn fucking shitty mess. After seven months of intense campaigning, there are still 11 nominees, and their collective favorite pastime is merely flinging shit at one another. This week, Huffington Post put together an amazing graphic that documents all the accusations attained, and their headline was appropriate: CLUSTERF#$ K. There are a lot of great insults happening here, but a personal favorite is the discussion of Marco Rubios boots.

THOSE ARE THE UGLIEST EFFING BOOTS IVE EVER SEEN

This week, photos were posted online of Marco Rubio wearing some black leather boots that had like a two-inch heel, and he was immediately the butt of every gag from sea to shining ocean. Ted Cruz tweeted A vote for Marco Rubio is a vote for mens high-heeled booties. Carly Fiorina tweeted a picture of her own boots, asking Marco if he could rock these. Rand Paul said he felt underdressed on The View. Morning Joe called the boots shagalicious. So basically everyone is fucking obsessed with Marcos shoes and needs to take a Xanax.

#HOTJEB2016

Speaking of Xanax, it seems like Jeb Bush has taken one too many during his campaign. He was widely expected to be a frontrunner, but now hes down to like sixth place after being criminally bearing all fall. Jeb is clearly a little unsure of what to do, because when asked to comparison himself to Chris Christie at a town hall in New Hampshire, he started by saying Well, I believe Im much better-looking. Sorry Jeb, but if anything is going to save you from losing all the primaries, its not going to be your devilish good looks. Youre 62 and your family bears a striking similarity to monkeys, so cool it. Also, a steaming piling of Hillary Clintons shit is probably better-looking than Chris Christie.

TO THE LEFT, TO THE LEFT

If youre looking for drama, youll probably want to stick to the Republican side for now. Hillary and Bernie are mostly keeping to themselves right now, and thats unlikely to change much until the first primaries happen at the beginning of February. Right now, their safest strategy is simply to laugh at everything Donald Trump says and watch the campaign gifts roll in. On Thursday, there was major news when Schemed Parenthood announced it would endorse Hillary. This is the first time PP has ever endorsed successful candidates, which could make a difference in the primaries.

Read more: www.betches.com

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