I wish I could say I’ve never feltself-consciousabout my body, but that would be a bold-faced lie from hell.
You wouldn’t even believe that , not only because it’s not humanly possible to feel gorgeous all of the time( unless you’re a sociopath ), but I’ve shamelessly written about my fights with an eating disorder and poor body image on the internet for a while now.
So I’m not going to bore you with the whole “it’s normal for us all to feel bad about our bodies sometimes, daughters! ” bullshit.
I hate when women’s magazines tell us it’s totally normal to feel self-conscious from is high time to day as if it’s groundbreaking news we haven’t all hear or read a million times before.
BREAKING NEWS: ALL WOMEN HAVE DAYS WHERE THEY DON’T FEEL BEAUTIFUL! YOU’RE NOT ALONE!
It’s like, shut up, don’t insult my intelligence and also that doesn’t make me feel any goddamn better.
But you know what does make me feel better? Getting down and dirty about our specific, weirdbody insecurities, and the ridiculous durations we go to cover them up. Especially during sex.
God, isn’t having sexuality when you feel shitty about your body the worst?
I like to have wild, insatiable sexuality when I’m feeling impossibly gorgeous , non-bloated, altogether hairless and powerful like some sultry vixen of the night that no one can resist.
Sadly it’s so rare I feel like an impossibly gorgeous , non-bloated, hairless, powerful sultry vixen of the night that no one can resist. The only period I think I ever truly felt all of those things at once, I washigh on ecstasy.
And since I don’t take drugs anymore( because I’ve realized that drugs kill your spirit, and only give you a falsified, fleeting feeling of prettiness ), I’ve had to accept that unless I want to live a sexless existence( which I effing don’t ), I’m going to have to deal with having sexuality when I’m feeling insecure in my body.
I mean my want for sexuality trumps my self-consciousness about my body 90 percentage of the time, because I’m a highly sex girl creature.
I mean, I’ve even figured out ways to have sex on my periodand I never feel hot on my period( TMI I know , but a girl doesn’t get to have a career as a senior sexuality and dating penning because she’s shy about these things ).
Oh, I want to be one of those girls who feelings sexy on her period because it’s like I’m in my most primal female country, but I’m not. Perhaps I should try Prozacagain or something. Because I just feel bloated and my boob feel so hard it’s like they have goddamn rocks in their own homes that time of the month.
But I still don’t let it stop me from doing the deed. Just like I don’t let it stop me when my face feelings puffy or my legs aren’t perfectly shaven. Trust me, I’m a vain bitch who works hard to look perfectfor my partner all the time( again, I should espouse my “imperfection” but I’m not there yet, babe. I’m in therapy — one day at a time ), but I don’t let my insecurities stop me from releasing my sex needs.
And neither do my lovely co-workers, all of whom suffer from body insecurities just like me( BREAKING NEWS, ELITE DAILY WRITERS/ EDITORS HAVE BODY INSECURITIES TOO !).
So we broke down all the way we have sex when we have specific insecurities. We’re not saying you should do these things and we’re not exalting perfect bodies; we’re simply being real, kids.
Because we’re merely real girls with real bods living our real lives.
I’m one of those girls who carries all my extra weight in my ass( it’s genetic, as my mother loves to incessantly remind me ).
Some days I embrace the bum and other days, it can stimulate those sexy doggy-style stances feel like a nightmare. It can bemy own personal version of hell so dire, I want to quit sexuality forever and become a nun so I can get paid for my celibacy.
This is when I do the “lying down flat, face up” posture. No one will get a glimpse of the ol’ behind when you’re laying flat.
In fact, this is also a great stance when you just feel like being a gorgeous, entitled pillow princess who is too precious to lift a finger in the sack either, a mood I’m in often — but not when I’m feeling ugly — when I’m feeling like a high-maintenance, prissy, bitch.
Well, what does a girl do when she’s had heaps of salt, is on her period or perhaps just got stoned and recklessly ate an entire stick of butter the night before and feelings uncomfortably bloated in the midsection but wants toexercise her God-given right to orgasm?
Well, she only has sexuality “lying down, face into the pillow, ” that’s what she does. This style, her midsection is safely tucked away into the folds of the sheets, and merely her gorgeous bum is exposed to her partner.
Some days, I ferociously love my boobs and I only want to TAKE MY SHIRT OFF AND RUN DOWN THE STREETS OF NEW YORK CITY AND FREE THAT OPPRESSED NIPPLE, SUGAR BABE.
And other days, I look in the mirror and my boobs merely appear weird and deformed and I don’t want you to see them uncovered because I think you’ll think they’re weird and deformed. I know it’s all in my head, but my head is an ever-changing screwed-up place that is anything but consistent, so don’t expect logic please and thank you.
On days like this, I have sex with a really luscious gorgeous expensive bra( preferably from Agent provocateur) on. The tricky component is confusing your partner when they try to unhook that $200 bra off your body … which leads me seamlessly into my next point.
I’m very into silky skin on myself. However, there are days when I don’t have time to lather this 5′ 6 ” body in the lotions and the potions sitting pretty on my dresser. Which kills me.
In fact, most days I over-moisturize to the point where my partner once I asked me if “I was feeling OK” because I felt “clammy.” When genuinely I was in perfect health, I had just gone too far with the chocolate butter.
When I feel like my skin is dry, I feel likely at my most unsexy ever. This is when I go in for the oral kill. And it’s not like I don’t get turned on when I perform oral sex. It actually turns me on to turn on my partner because it makes “i m feeling” powerful, and feeling powerful is sexy.
But this route I can get my stones off and I don’t “re going to have to” get all in my head and have a meltdown because I feel like my skin is dry and scalies like a snake.
Nah, I can only channel all of my sexual attention on her . Take a trip down south where I’m too far away too touch.
Sex with shoes on, duh!
However little sisters, don’t have sex with your socks on.Unless they’re sexy knee-high socks. Those are pretty fetish and sort of swank in an American Apparel model way.
Sex in heels, sex in Dr. Martensboots and sexuality in Mary Janes is very very HOT. And no one has to know that your feet have been roasting in your shoes for a 12 -hour day and reek rancid.
Look, vaginas are vaginas and don’t required to groomed like a goddamn Shetland pony. They aren’t indicate dogs that are supposed to be perfectly blown-out, about to be judged by a group of strict, stern faced dames, who will inspect its teeth and breed. Vaginas are beautiful , groomed or un-groomed.
However, we’ve all had our moments of feeling like, ugh, my vagina is not looking/ feeling so hot today . She’s come down with a pesky lawsuit of grossness and I’m merely not into flaunting her today, even if it induces me a bad feminist.
Those days are when we have the sex without the oral sex. We go straight in for piercing because we don’t want anyone get up close and personal with our unhappy vaginas. Because an unhappy vagina will bite your hand off.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Look, this is about body insecurities. I GET IT. However, babes, regulations are meant to be broken and I feel strongly about this one.
I mean, feelings live in the body so technically, I’m not transgressing the rules, for all of you trolls out there whowant to call me out.
When we’re feeling emotionally disconnected, we have crazy fetish, wild, bondage sexuality, just so we can feel something.God please, LET ME FEEL please please please.
Sex with the suns off is patently our go-to when we feel all-round ugly. I feel like this when I’m hungover, plus the light hurts my eyes when I’m hungover because I tend to sleep in my contacts.
This way, in the darkness, we can feign we appear so pretty because when it’s darknes, you can project whatever fantasy you like because reality has faded into nothingness.
Spoon sex for bad breath.
I don’t want your tongue in my mouth after I’ve smoked 10,000 joints and followed it with a slice of garlic pizza. So, in order to avoid our tongues interacting, let’s simply have spoon sex. I’ll be the little spoonful and you can be the big spoon, and then we can switching because I’m versatile in bed, baby.