1. Years ago, I figured out the trick to going home for a holiday snack without stepping on any land mines: Lie your face off. Tell everyone they look great and that it sounds like theyre killing it at work or school or get pregnant or whatever theyre up to. People want to believe their lives are awesome, so you might as well feed them the BS they crave.
2. Im richsuccessful hedge fund richand Im not afraid to use my hard earned money to my advantage. If we’re close, you’regettinga ridiculously expensive present from me on everyspecial occasion, so you’re gonnato be nice to me.Is it crass to buy your loved onesoff? Sure. But it’salsothe natural order of things.
3. One word: Xanax.
4. If I want to suppress the itching toleapacross the tableandripeveryone’shair out, I have to take on a different persona for the night. So I do. I pretend to be the person or persons they want me to be instead of who I am and everything goes comparatively smoothly.
5. ” Youre going to think Im actually fucked up for this, but Ive been known to crush up, like, a really minimal, harmless but effective dose of an opiate and sprinkle it in my moms cocktailglass. Shes gale reallytight by nature, and if she doesnt relax , no one else can. Ive been doing it for about three Thanksgivings now and theyve been the most enjoyableyet.
6. Two years ago I moved across the country so I wouldn’t even be expected to show up. It was the best the actions of my life.
7. By now I know there are certain topics I have to avoid wholly if I want everyone in their own families to remain civil. My parents are genuinely conservative and I disagree with them on everything, so I have to keep it light. Movies and books and gossip are safe, for the most part. Politics, religion, and matrimony equalitynot so much. I lost the will to defend my viewsalong ass time ago.
8. I get everyone wasted. Im always refilling everyones wine glass because, somewhat ironically, the drunker my family members get, the less likely they are to act like complete idiots.
9. ” Since graduatinglaw school, I’ve relied on strategically schemed’ business journeys’ to get excuse myselffromThanksgiving everyother year or so. Family reunionsare shockingly more tolerablewhen they’re not annual .”
10. My approach is to stimulate myself useful. I help out in the kitchen and I set the table and I clear everyones plates. My siblings have always called me a goody two shoes but the truth is, I’d rather do chores than interact with them for more than an hour or so at a time.
11. I nevertellmyparents thatI’m unhappyinmyrelationship ormyjob, or thatI’mhaving fund problems. IfIkeepthe seriousshit locked in the vault, they don’t ask too many questions about stuffand we can all go on pretending that we enjoy each other’s company.It’s really that simple.
12. At this point my two siblings have families of their own, so there are always lots of children running around during holiday galas. My strategy is to expend most of my period hanging outwith the little people. They keep me entertained, and spare mefromthe adultweirdness.
13. Any time someone says something borderline offensive, I pause to collect myself and respond as calmly as is practicable. I never let themand by I mean my older sister and motherknow theyve managed to rattleme. Thats how I manage.
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