Vanderpump Rules Recap: A Shame-ectomy
Well here we are at the season finale. Tbh Im sad to watch them run. What will happen? Will Jax do hard time in a Hawaii prison? Will Kristen stop being a walking hot mess? Will she and Stassi crash Katies engagement? Well, we already know the last ones gonna happen. Alright, here we go.
We open with Jax returning from Hawaii. OK, at least we know he wasnt remanded. Does that happen in shoplifting cases? I watch too much.
Surprise, Jax sweet-talked the magistrate and got his misdemeanour dropped to a misdemeanor and all he got was probation, just like Lisa told. Is she psychic? Either way, what an anticlimactic outcome.
Jax and Brittany start fighting about living together and hes basically like, “.”
Brittany : I cant go looking for apartments, I simply had a boob job
Jax: You can sit online and go on a computer, arrive tf on
For once, Jax is right.
Next we find Stassis apartment hunting. Hold up, what if she moves in with Brittany? PLOT TWIST.
Stassi : I require sky-blue walls, I require crown moudling, I require lots of closet space.
Really Stassi. What if the walls were baby blue? Would you really not take the apartment? Somehow despite her ridiculous criteria, Stassi observes a place and starts moving in( that was fast) and Kristen& Stassi break out the champagne within 5 minutes. SHOCKER.
Back at Jaxs studio apartment, a detail he never ceases to mention, Jax is still bitching about Brittany, TO HER FACE.
Jax : Sitting in that jail cell when I went to jail was the most at peace Ive been in a long time.
Why dont you just tell us how you really feel, Jax? Perhaps this is why everybody, LITERALLY EVERYBODY, told you not to have Brittany move in right away. Just sayin. Also how does that make “youre feeling” Brit? Your pussy is worse than prison.
At Sur, James is bragging how he hasnt had a drink in two weeks and hooked up with Kristen.
James : I still love Kristen but part of me really likes Lala.
This is a non-issue, James, because Lala doesnt like you and is just employing you for attention. Get it through your head. I would feel bad for you but you utterly brought this on yourself.
We find out Katie invited Lala to her engagement party and this is like the first time in recent history Katie has done something nice.Lala observes out Kristen called her a ratchet whorebag and is pissed/ mildly amused.
Lala: Ratchetyea. Whorenah.Ill just let Kristen be crack-y.
Lala, the ultimate speaker of truths.
Jax tells Ariana and Tom that he basically get off scot-free on his charges.
Jax : Im like a cat with 9 lives, I think that was my last life.
Yeah especially since Britt is about to kill yo ass, Id say its your last life.
Next, he tells Lisa about how court went and Lisa shits on him for not taking it severely. Oh, devote it a fucking remainder Lisa, this is not your fight. Just let it go, if he aims up in jail at some phase in the future he aims up in jail. You have your own son to worry aboutspeaking of, where the fuck has he been lately?
Katie and Tom are setting up their engagement party themselves at Lisas house and its like, cant you pay someone to do this? Or at least like, bringing people? Lol their crew is Katie, Tom and Scheana, talk about the A Team. Poor Tom, literally doing all the heavy lifting by himself. Perhaps a metaphor for his upcoming marriageperhaps me being too cynicalyou decide.
Stassi and Kristen are getting ready for Katie and Toms engagement party, altogether overlook the fact that they are actively not welcome there, as we all knew they would.
Back at Lisas house, the participation party is ramping up. We find Katie and Toms relatives for the first time, who must be so proud their son/ daughter/ graddaugther are making their living on a trashy reality Tv depict. Why do Katies mom and grandma look like, exactly the same person with different haircuts? Also, how come NEITHER of their daddies stimulated it there? Deadbeat alert.
Lala and Faith roll up, Faith looking like shes headed to a funeral. Very patently missed the pastels memoranda. Maybe thats because nobody talks to Faith, and vice-versa.
LOL same. Cant fuckin wait for this.
James and some random server( maybe the same girl he brought to the beach, but hard to say) play cornhole. She makes a joke about him having a hard time get it in the hole. Zing.
Sandoval and Ariana are at a table by themselves, Tom is fanning himself and Arianas blowing bubbles. Tell me again how yall arent exclusive?
Kristen and Stassi show up…
Stassi : Literally everyone as they arrive : Oh god
Jax : Damn, Stassi looks good.
PSA to all women: Jax will never change.
At this time I would like to point out that Tom is wearing a candy necklace at his own participation party.
Stassi and Kristen: Hi Lisa
Lisa : Oh hell no
There’s a sort-of-not-really-showdown as they all look at one another expectantly and we at home wonder if Lisa is going to stick to her word and hurl them out.
Lisa ): Ugh fine do whatever you want.
Lisa really is all of their moms.
Stassi goes over to girl-flirt with Brittany but I’m too distracted by Brittany’s tits in my face to listen to what’s going on.
James brought the pump Cd to Katies engagement party to show Lisa. Seems like an appropriate time.
Lisa : Im proud of you for doing better.
Mamabear Lisa is at it again. Can we make this into a meme?
James does the double-cheek-kiss when he watches Kristen and shes like Kristen, you really are on crack.
Lala: I hate everything about Kristen. I hate her hair, I hate her shoes, I hate the 99 cent lipgloss on her snaggletooth
Kristen is like, super proud of James because its sometime during daylight hours and hes not wasted yet.
Lisa gives a speech and shadily calls out Stassi and Kristen for crashing. YAS.
Lisa : If theres anybody who wants to say anything Kristen : Me! Lisa : Please dont. If theres anybody BESIDES Kristen who wants to give a speech.Kristen gives a speech anyway because, it’s Kristen. Her speech is going on forever and everyones get progressively drunker and in the case of Lala, more belligerent.
Lala : Can you wrap it up?
Kristen does not, in fact, wrap it up and maintains blathering on about Toms Honda Civic.
FINALLY SOME WISE WORDS OUT OF KRISTEN.
At the afterpart at Sur, everybody toasts to a peaceful night, so we all know how this is gonna go.
James and Jax are talkingoh this cant aim well.
Scheana pullings Ariana aside.
Scheana: I feel like were not on the same page and Im trying to figure out if you even want to be friends anymore.
Ariana : Youre just trying to be popular and friends with everybody.
Scheana starts crying. Ariana violated her. Not sure if I’m impressed or uncomfortable. A little bit of both. Scheana : I hate crying and I do it way too much and thats why I get so much Botox.
Theyre friends again. Cool. As if anybody could really stay mad at one another on this show.
Meanwhile James is all over Lala and Kristen calls Lala a walking STD, to her face.
Lala : Kristen can you shut up eventually? Kristen : Can you shut up eventually?
Good comeback, Kristen.
Lala : Im the one fucking person babe you dont wanna fuck with
Kristens like, ” so Lala pushes her. Kristen doesnt hit back though, perhaps she really has changed. Meanwhile everybodys like
Lala : If people wanna be my friend they can be my friend and if they dont they can blow me.
I have a similar life doctrine honestly , not that I condone violence or anything.
James is faded AF by his own omission. Wow that sobriety lasted all of like, an hour? Two? The drive over to Sur?
Lisa is seated next to Stassi and Kristen and shes like
Tom and his band perform and Lisas like Lisas simply firing stray shoots everywhere today. No one is safe.
Jax : Ugh OK I guess its a fun song.fiiiiiine.
James is wasted and calling Ken Papabear.
James: Why does everyone guess Im drunk? I simply had two brownies and smoked 4 joints before I even get here.
Yeah you kinda missed the phase dude.
James tells some random server to STFU( same one from the party? Perhaps, they all seem the same) and Jax, the paragon of treating women well, is like James continues slurring incoherently.
James: Dont say Im disrespectful to women when youve fucked over 100 girls.
He kinda has a point. Jax cant defend himself with words so naturally he escalates to violence.
James : Dont traverse me in front of Lisa.
Oh yeah because Lisa is really gonna stand up for your wasted ass when you just made a huge production of being sober.
Cue like, 30 seconds of
Lisa walkings in and James instantly shuts up and sits the fuck down like the very best little boy he is.
James : Im out. Im leaving. Watch ya!
Nobody reacts or tries to protest so he comes back.
James : Kristen Ill text you tomorrow.
What a classic asshole move.
Since he cant get with Kristen since hes wasted, James defines his sights on What a fucking prince.
Jax comes over to talk to Stassi, temporarily forgotten that his GF can probably see him. Also Lisa is like, Lisa, you tryna home-wreck or nah?
Stassi takes a drink from Jaxs water, nice power move.
Jax : I will always be there for you.
Stassi : I cant even believe Im being like, nice to you.
Jax : I was heartbroken when we broke up.
Stassi: Yea well you cheated on me the whole time so
Jax : Well not the whole time.
Then it devolves into Jax asking Stassi what her motives are for worming her way back into the friend group. What happened to the nice talk?
Stassi : I really like Brittany and I dont want you to fuck it up but idk if youre capable of not fucking shit up.
Jax and Stassi agree that after three and a half years, they can finally be cordial to each other, big fucking step. Jax and Brittany head home and theres happy music playing in the background so I guess everything is chill.
Stassi is talking to Katie and she’s like, Damn Stassi, you cant wait until another day to try to weasel an invite to the wedding? Have some fucking class.
Katie and Tom leave and it seems like they might eventually have sex. Halle-freaking-lujah( did I spell that right ?)
Lisa closes out the season with a sappy speech and some shade-throwing to Stassi and Kristen, who she fears will never learn. Perfect.
All in all this season can be summed up in this incredibly apt Lisa Vanderpump gif 😛 TAGEND
Ugh can’t wait till next season. Now who will I compare myself to when I’m trying to make myself look like less of a hot mess?
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