This Show Makes My Vagina Hurt: ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Recap Episodes 1-3

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So, between making predictions for the next season, and indulging in some , weve decided to engage in some more intellectual viewership with our newest preoccupation:. For those of you who have been living under a stone and missed the thousands of promotional photos of Elisabeth Moss in a white bonnet, is Hulus latest( and best) endeavor at becoming Netflix. Based off Margaret Atwoods bestseller by the same name, tells the story of a woman named Offred living in a dystopian future where an oppressive theocracy forces-out all fertile women around sex slavery. Damn. I could have been an English major.

Basically, if youve ever looked around and the Trump Administration and guessed, honestly, lets turn this up a notch! then is for you.

So, given that were all feminists now, its only fitting that we add a to our regular rotation of recaps, right alongside and . Seems appropriate.

So lets dive in, because we are like, four episodes late.

Episode 1: Offred

Welcome to the cheerful world of Gilead, where bitches be crazy has been built statute. You know shit is bad because all the colors are muted and grainy like Kim Kardashians post-robbery Instagram aesthetic.

We open on Elisabeth Moss and her hipster spouse comforting their literally gorgeous infant. Things are not running great. We learn via flashback the U.S. has gone to shit and women are being rounded down and made to wear weird red attires and say religious-sounding shit like, Blest be the fruit, and May the Lord open. Were not sure exactly why this happened, but I imagine its because Democrat failed to take back the House in 2018.

The flashback also shows Elisabeth Moss husband being killed, and her gorgeous infant being taken away by police. Its like, very upsetting.

Cut to the future where shit is all fucked up. We learn Elisabeth Moss name is Offred( because her master/ proprietor guys name is Fred so shes Of Fred, get it ?) and shes not allowed to hang out with anyone except Alexis Bledel( Ofglen ), who Offred determines annoying. Same.

Offred :
Inner Offred :

Offred and Ofglen are basically merely allowed to go to the grocery store and back, so for that reason, handmaids be shoppin. Other than that, Offred expends all day in the house with her owner Mr. Waterford( whose name is Fred, I guess) and his wife, Serna Joy, who gets to wear green and doesnt have a hat. Interesting.

Theres also a hot( ish) driver/ gardener guy who may or may not be a spy and may or may not have a thing for Offred.

Hot( ish) Driver/ Gardener Guy :
Offred :

Offred and Ofglen go for a little walk along the river, and Ofglen reveals that shes not annoying and is, in fact, a cool lesbian.

Flashback to a place called The Red Center where a horrible Ms. Trunchbull lookin lady named Aunt Lydia( sound like a brand of douche, TBH) is letting the handmaids know whats good about their new situation.

Aunt Lydia :
Handmaids :

Offred sees her old weed smoking buddy, Poussey Moira, at The Red Center, but Moira dedicates her a look like dont fucking say anything so Offred doesnt say hi.

The chick sitting next to Offred at the RC clearly has no clue whats up. Shes out here acting like the government wasnt just taken over by an oppressive patriarchal religion something-or-other, mouthing off and devoting posture like this is first period gym. Her name is Janine, and things are going to get very difficult for her.

Janine :
Aunt Lydia : Audience :

So now we finally get to what weve all been dreading all along: the sex stuff, henceforth referred to as the ceremony.” Offred takes a bath and goes to meet up with the SJ, who does not like Offred, because of the whole thing where she has to watch Offred fuck her husband once a month. Mr. Waterford shows up and reads a bunch of weird Bible verses about some chick named Rachel who let her husband fuck her handmaid, which appears to be the religion basis for why this is happening.

Then we watch The Ceremony take place and its very disturbing. The whole thing ends with Serena Joy call at Offred and Offred leaving like, lol recollect when I had a undertaking and a husband and an Uber account?

Cut back to Moira devoting Offred some very, very good advice:

This is like, Offreds mantra now.

Now we get to the craziest part of the entire episode( astonishingly not The Ceremony ), which is when all the handmaids are forced to gather in a field for The Savaging, which is basically what you do to a friends ex in your group text but real and someone dies. Basically we learn when someone commits a crime, the handmaids all get to jumping him. Its a lot.

Offred :
Crazy Ass Eyeless Pregnant Janine:
Offred :

We find out from crazy-ass one-eyeball preggo Janine that Moira was caught escaping and was sent to the colonies which is apparently a place that is so disgusting and full of toxic waste that anyone who gets sent there dies within like, a week and all their skin autumns of. So basically, modern day Florida.

After straight-up killing a dude, Offred and Ofglen walk home like, lol that was crazy I cant believe we did that! The two of them are slowly becoming BFFs, which, in Gilead, is the most dangerous thing two women can be.

Ofglen : Offred[ To Camera ]:

Episode 2: Birth Day

This whole episode centers around Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine, who is about to give birth. Like everything in Gilead, the birthing process is both disturbing and extra.

We open up on The Ceremony again, because Hulu knows that were all freaks who slow down to see car wrecks and that this is what we want to see. Nobody involved looks like they are having a remotely pleasurable day, even Mr. Waterford, who patently has the upper hand in this whole situation. Homebody doesnt even take off his shoes.

Offred Interior Monologue :
Audience :

Once the Ceremony is done, Offred is free to hang out with her new bestie Alexis Bledel, aka Offred. They take a nice stroll past a heap of dead bodies and make sure there are no Eyes( what they call spiesvery original) before diving into a deep shit talking session.

Ofglen :
Offred :
Ofglen :.

Offred heads back into the house to shivering, when Nick, the hot( ish) gardener/ driver dude is like, dont hang out with Ofglen and leaves. Its unclear if he knows something or is just being a jealous little bitch.

Nick :
Offred :
Inner Offred :

Now it is time for Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine to give birth. Much like The Ceremony that brought us to the birthing, everything is all fucked up and involves 2-15 too many people. On floor one, all the wives are laying around in their blue garbs eating macarons and pretending to give birth. On floor two, Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine is actually pushing out a kid.

Wife One :
Offred :
Inner Offred :

Janine get into the final stretching of giving birth and, like everything in, shit runs from bad to worse. Wife 1, who has been playing pretend pregnant the working day, shows up and wraps her legs around Janine so that they look like a two-headed birth ogre. The baby is bear and they immediately take it and give it to the wife, and everybody pretends like they dont know which vagina this newborn actually came from.

Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine :
Inner Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine :

The episode ends with Offred proving up at Mr. Waterfords office,

Offred :
Mr. Waterford :

Like any good bestie, Offred is very excited to tell Ofglen/ Alexis Bledel about her weird AF scrabble date. Butits not Ofglen/ Alexis Bledel at the gate! Its Ofglen/ Some Random Bitch !!!!

Offred :
Ofglen/ Some Random Bitch :
Offred/ Everyone Watching :

Episode 3: Late

We start this question with one question on everybodys mind: Where the fuck is Alexis Bledel? Stolen away, apparently, by The Eyes, and send to a place with very aggressive lighting.

Offred is so preoccupied with Ofglen’s disappearance that she doesnt realize she hasnt gotten her period yet, which is like, a huge fucking deal.

The first clue we get that something is up is when Rita the cook( cooks are reffered to as ‘Marthas’ btw ), who is usually a huge bitch to Offred, is being all fake-nice to her and shit like this is sorority hurry-up. In fact, everyone is being super fake to Offred now because they believe shes pregnant, even Serena Joy, who is usually the biggest bitch of all.

Nice in world, btw, means that Offred gets to eat ice cream.

Rita :
Offred :

Meanwhile, New Ofglen is a total narc, and it reminds Offred of when she and Moira used to chill and go jogging together to a local coffee shop where the barista, who has clearly suffered one two many Tinder rejections in his day, calls them sluts for wearing shorts. Way harsh, Tai.

Offred Interior Monologue :
Audience :

We insure another flashback to Offred trying to see if her direct deposit hit, and finding out that all of her fund has been taken away and transferred to her husband. Also girls cant have chores anymore. Cool.

Cut to Serena Joy, who has literally no shivering about the fact that Offred might be pregnant.

Serena Joy :
Offred :

Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine is crazier than ever now that shes had a baby. We find out that she actually bit the spouse for holding the newborn wrong, which youd think would lose her that second eyeball, but actually the situation is various kinds of great for Janine right now. I mean, as great as it gets for handmaids.

Offred :
Janine :
Offred :

Janine then reveals that on top of having one eye and being totally bat shit nuts, shes also a delusional dater who thinks her proprietor guy is in love with her and that he said theyre gonna run away together. Turns out fuckboys are flourishing in Gilead.

Shit hits the fan when Offred returns home and realizes that one of The Eyes is at her house and hot( ish) Nick brought her straight to them.

Hot( ish) Nick :
Offred :

Surprise, amaze, Aunt Lydia is here along with some dude who works for The Eyes, and double surprise, they pull out a taser and tase Offred like, immediately.

Offred, who is on some kind of high because of all the ice cream shes been offered, tries to get mouthy with The Eye and tells him that she knew Ofglen was gay. Gay is a proscribed term, so Aunt Lydia commences beating the shit out of her.

Serena Joy :
Aunt Lydia :

Cut to Ofglen in a incarcerate trying to give a guard a handjob in exchange for her freedom.

Ofglen :
Guard :
Ofglen :

Ofglen seems before an all-male Senate Task Force On Health Care court who sentence her to redemption for being gay. While Ofglen, who has two good ovaries, is allowed to survive, the Martha( cook) that she was in a relationship with is not so lucky. They sentence her to demise and straight up hang her right in front of Ofglen.

But thats not the worst shit thats going to happen to good ol’ Offie-G. More on that later.

Flashback to a protest that appears a fuck ton like the Womens March minus all the pink hats. It didnt run. They should have built the hats.

Cut to Offred get her period and realizing that the free ice cream train has come to an end. She tells Serena Joy, who promptly loses it and locks Offred in a room.

But we dont actually have time to be upset about that because next we check in with Ofglen, where shit is approximately ten thousand times worse. How worse is it? Well

Are you ready?
Are you sitting down?
Do you have like, an ice pack nearby for your vag?
Here we go.

The motherfuckers cut Ofglens clit off.

Thats right. The punishment for being gay is that they knock you out and destroy your platinum vagine.

You know, Im starting to think this Gilead place is pretty fucked up.

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