Guys, Here’s What It’s Actually Like To Be A Woman

Written with Geoffrey Miller . This tale is an exclusive chapter excerpt from MATE: Become the Man Women Want .

You never truly understand a person until you consider things from his point of viewuntil you climb into his skin and walk around in it. — Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird

You have no fucking idea what youre doing.

Not when it is necessary to sex and dating and women, anyway. Dont beat yourself up about it though, because its not your fault. Your culture has failed you and the women youre trying to meet.

We have been working with young single humen in our capacities as educators, public figure, and authors for more than thirty years. In that time, the more common question weve gotten from guys centres around how to increase their confidence with women.

But theres a much deeper problem: At least 70 percent of their questions uncover a total failure to understand the womans point of view.

Why does this matter? As a human, it is impossible to be better at mating until you are familiar with the subjective experience of a woman, because it is fundamentally different than yours in many ways. If you can account for those changes, you will be well on your style to increased success because most men expend zero period thinking about this.

The changes start from the very beginning, at our deepest primal levels.

When a man is working with a woman, his greatest dread is sex rejection and humiliation. This causes him to expend as much period and energy( if not more) on defensive strategies to protect against rejection as he does on mating strategies designed to attract women.

Women are totally different. In these interactions, they are not much afraid of rejection. Rather, when a woman interacts with a human, she is afraid of being physically harmed or sexually assaulted.

Right now youre likely believing the same thing we did when we first learned about this when we were young men: Ive never hurt a woman in my life and never would.

And we bet youre right. You are probably perfectly safe.

But SHE doesnt know that: when she satisfies you, you could be Jack Ryan, Jack Sparrow, or Jack the Ripper. Any one of those is equally likely. Even more terrifying is the fact that, over the course of her life, the biggest threat to her is humen she knows. This is not some idle, irrelevant statistic. The overwhelming majority of women that suffer physical or sexual assault suffer it at the hands of a man they know intimately.

And their dreads dont stop at physical harm; they are just as vulnerable to social and emotional damage as well. Socially, you can spread lies about her or injury her reputation( with men and women ), sometimes just by being associated with her. You can feign you love her, get her pregnant, and then abandon her. This to be the beginning of the harms she potentially faces at your hands.

We cannot underscore this enough: Mating success necessitates cross-sex insight. You need to understand how girls evaluate your qualities and how they perceive the status, danger, possibilities, and threats that you could present. The better you learn to see these things from womens points of view, the less unattractive you will be to them and the less confused, resentful, and frustrated you will be by how they respond to you.

Were not indicating you have to become a gender psychologist or feminize your whole worldview. You are a man, and women like humen; turning into a woman would make you less attractive to( most) women.

Were telling you to simply understand women. And this is for the simple reason that understanding the female view helps you do much better with women, whatever your goalwhether its a one-night stand, a friend with benefits, a girlfriend, or a spouse. It will help you avoid and resolve arguments, saving you hours of grief. It will help you have better dates, cooler conversations, and hotter sexuality. It will help you to stop acting like a self-sabotaging dick. And it will also help your relationships with your mom, sisters, daughters, female friends, and coworkers.

To be clear: the insights in this chapter are not a collect of opinions and moralizing lessons. They are based on the best, current scientific knowledge that we have about women psychology and sexuality changes. Well also focus on women vulnerabilities, fears, and nervousness that you might not have considered before, because these are the aspects of the female experience that have long stood between men and a greater understanding ofand success withwomen.

She Is Tired of Being Objectified, So Subjectify Her Instead

Go to a sports bar in any major city or college town on game day, and invariably you will run into a crew of gorgeous young women in skin-tight, cutoff referee attires or school jerseys walking around, selling shot specials or brew buckets. This is how everything , not only alcohol, is sold to menhand tools, shampoo, Doritos, porn, autoes. All of them shamelessly use beautiful, scantily garbs women with big boobs, tight asses, and long legs as the vehicles to deliver their message. And it works.

The problem from a mating view( besides the obvious ethical ones) is that normal girls feel this objectification acutely. On the one hand, the media have established an unrealistic expectation of beauty for them to live up to, and this stimulates them insecure. On the other hand, this expectation has created in girls the notion that most guys care only about a womans boob-to-ass-to-leg ratio, which is a recipe for resentment and distrust.

Heres the thing though: when women tell, Dont objectify me, they dont mean Youre never allowed to look at my boobs or notice my butt. Actually, they kind of like their boob and butt and hope you do too, if youre a good guy and you also appreciate their other features, like their eyes or their opinions.

To attract women, you must be able to take their point of view and think of them not as marketing vehicles to objectify, but as living, guessing, feeling individual humans. You have to subjectify them: accept, understand, and acknowledge their person, subjective consciousness.

Ironically, a great way to understand a womans point of view is to think of her as a marketing customer: a savvy customer evaluating your products( traits) and ads( proofs) to see if theyll add value to her life. If you want to guarantee mating failure, all you have to do is think of her as nothing more than an inanimate objectas an 8 or a 9, as a simplistic robot with a set of triggers and hot buttons to manipulate. At that phase youve reduced your client to nothing more than a cash dispenser, or, since were talking about objectifying a woman, a sexuality dispenser.

Objectifying women isnt only a moral failing. At the strictly practical level of attracting girls, its stupid. It might temporarily reduce your anxiety about approaching them( about constructing your pitch ), because if you think of them as targets, you can try to trick yourself into thinking that they wont be judging you when you walk up to them. But they are judging youand thats OK, as long as you understand how and why.

She Is Physically Vulnerable, and She Knows It

Picture this example 😛 TAGEND

You are a young, relatively inexperienced lesbian human. Youre single, its Friday night after a long week, and youve decided to go out and have a little fun. You and some friends decide to check out a new homosexual bar that youve heard has a lot of hot guys.

When you walk in, you encounter an overwhelming ocean of men. These guys are all as tall as NBA players, as muscular as NFL linebackers, and as sexually aggressive as a offender on his first night out of jail.

They are all bigger, stronger, faster, and hornier than you. Their heads all swivel toward you, and their eyes appear you up and down like sex Terminators.

You havent even met them, but you can see the gears turning behind their eyes. Any one of them could grab you, carry you out of the bar, and put who knows what divinity knows where, and there is little you could do to stop them. Youre merely a piece of meat to them.

But theres strength in numbers, so you and your friends gather whatever sober fortitude you are able to muster and head to the bar. Soon enough, youve had a couple drinks, and some of these huge guys approach you and begin talking to you.

Some of them are truly lame and unattractive and stimulate crude, ham-fisted pass at you. Some are awkward and annoying. Some are even various kinds of angry and mean. All of these guys are very unappealing. You dont want to talk to them.

But lo and behold, some of them are actually pretty intriguing. Yes, they are still big and intimidating, but they want to buy you drinks and pay you compliments. Some of them are really interesting and fun; they do amazing things with their lives and seem to really be into you. Theyre cocky and funny. They have that sublime masculine energy that is very appealing.

How would you feel in this situation? Nervous, worried, scared, guarded, self-conscious, and vulnerable? But also flattered, desirable, and excited( recollect, youre homosexual in this exercise ).

Some of the same male traits that frighten you the most also seem to be the most attractive to you. The guys who pose the greatest physical menace are also the same guys you are able to envisage stimulating you feel the safest. The guy who seems like the most egotistical player in the bar is also the one make-up you laugh so hard that your ribs hurt. Its all a giant, swirl, pulsating contradiction.

This is the world of sexuality and dating for women.

And this is what it is like for women every day, in every social situation, with straight guys just like you.

Women are surrounded by bigger, stronger, faster all those people who likely want to have sex with them and could take it by force. This is their experience not only at bars and clubs, but at school and work, on the street, and the metro. Men stare at them, leer at them, induce petroleum pass at them, and interact with them all day every day, with sex clearly the subtext of every interactioneven the briefest, most innocuous non-mating exchanges.

Her: I would also like fries with that.

Him: Yeah, you would!

While this is just a thought experiment, the facts that underpin it are very real. For Americans over age twenty, the average human is five inches taller than the average girl( 59 vs. 54 ). Hes thirty pounds heavier( 196 pounds vs. 166 pounds ), and he carries less body fat( 18 percentage vs. 24 percent ), so hes got about twice the upper-body strength( what hed use to pick her up) and twice the grip strength( what hed use to hold her down ). An average woman is as physically vulnerable to an average guy as a big guy( 60, 190 pounds) would be to the average NFL lineman( 65, 310 pounds) which is to say, very vulnerable.

Most dating advice to guys fails at this first hurdle. Its built around the assumption that men and women think alike about sexuality, romance, and dating without even acknowledging the basic physical differences between male and female bodies and the resulting male vs. female vulnerabilities. This is totally wrong. If you can understand womens sex and physical vulnerability, dating should make a lot more sense.

For instance, if a woman seems like shes sending mixed messages, or acting hot and cold, or theres a mysterious push-me/ pull-you erotic dance going on, its not that shes being weird or manipulative( at the least, typically ). Its that shes trying to express interest from a defensive posture, and shes got a hair-trigger threat-detection system that induces her withdraw into her shell when you start pushing too hard. Maybe you really are the good guy who wont take advantage of her, but she has no way of knowing that when she first satisfies you. She has to evaluate you herself.

Think about how weird that whole situation is: to be sexually attracted to beings that could so easily do irreparable physical harm to you. Suppose about the anxiety that internal contradiction could create on a daily basis. For women who are on the more anxious and delicate side, think about the raw physical fortitude it must take only got to go and gratify humen. If she pushes when you pull, your topic shouldnt be, Why wont she have sex with me? It should be, Why would she ever set herself in a situation of sex vulnerability with any guy?

The best( and funniest) the purpose of explaining this dynamic weve ever heard comes from the famous comedian Louis C.K .:

The courage it takes for a woman to say yes[ to a date with a human] is beyond anything I can imagine. A girl telling yes to a date with a man is literally insane, and ailment advised. How do women still go out with guys, when you consider the fact that there is no greater threat to females than humen? Were the number-one threat! To women! Globally and historically, were the number-one cause of injury and mayhem to girls. Were the worst thing that ever happens to them!

And yet, here we are. Females have evolved this ambivalent arousal/ dread, love/ detest response to male size, strength, and power. If you want to be successful in modern mating, the more you understand this, the better you can deliver what women love while eradicating what they fear.

Shes Been Dealing With Creepy Douchebags for a Long Time

A woman can tell how well your life is going from how you appear, in about two seconds. Your face and body are leaking all kinds of cues about your sexual experience, self-confidence, and personalityand she can see it all in one glance. Before you approach her, shes already decided whether she wants you to talk to her, and shes already judged your mate value and your status before you toss the first lame, derpy pickup line at her. She can reek your over-practiced pick-up artists tricks from a couple miles out. Its like her superpower.

By the time youve gratified her, a normal American girl has expended years honing that superpower. She had to develop it after putting up with so much shit from lame guys making on her, catcalling, sexually harassing, and potentially even stalking her. Since puberty, when she started developing hips and breasts and pretty facial features, shes had to deal with creepers and sketchballs to some degree or the other, and shes probably pretty sick of it.

Its hard for guys to appreciate what it would be like to grow up being stared at and sexually harassed every day of their own lives from age twelve onward. So instead, what you need to realize is that all this sex attention a woman gets sows in her a anxiety of raw physical violencereactive assaultthat could be sparked if she ignores your come-ons, rejects you in a way you find demeaning, or dates you for six months before finding out youre a paranoid, jealous control freak.

Thats the female reality of living in sexual anxiety. Shes afraid of creeps, weirdo, crazies, losers, and stalkers. And believe us when we say that, from her perspective, they make up a high proportion of menespecially the ones likely to hit on her in inappropriate ways, places, and periods. Psychological and environmental factors explain much of this perspective.

The psychological research, for example, shows that, from a womans point of view, most guys she satisfies will be less kind, less agreeable, less empathic, less conscientious, less reliable, less cleanless everything reallythan she and her friends are. Even if she accepts those sex changes, she still has to wrangling given the fact that many mental illnesses and personality disorders are more common among humen( the more dangerous ones no less ). These male-dominated ailments include alcoholism, drug addiction, autism, schizophrenia, narcissism, white-collar sociopathy, and criminal psychopathy. All of which induce each random encounter with a human less likely to end in love and more likely to end with a fight-or-flight response.

Most guys reading this right now are likely sitting there thinking, WTF, Ive never done any of that creepy shit. Dont lump me in with those assholes. And we agree. Most of you guys are solid dudes. Youre merely suffering for the actions of the highly nonrandom sample of guys who hit on every woman in sight. Thats why its so important to understand the world from a womans perspective.

Think about women experiences with guys like a city policemen experience with people in general. Cops expend 90 percent of their hour dealing with the scummiest 5 percent of humanity. The ones whove been around a while often develop a cynical, negative, and fatalist view of humans, based on the totality of their bitter experiences. Its not that humans are all bad. Its that cops find only the worst.

Likewise, females expend a big proportion of their time in the mating marketplace avoiding the smaller percentage of guys who are the most intrusive, obnoxious, or insane. Psychopaths are sexually predatory, uninhibited, and confident, so although theyre only 4 percent of the American male population, they might account for 40 percent of the men who have hit on any given woman. Guys with Aspergers are another factor; although theyre often introverted( and so least likely to approach a woman ), if they do approach, theyre bad at reading nonverbal cues of disinterest or rejection, so theyre more likely to persist beyond a womans comfort zone. There are almost too many other types of men who do things girls find repulsive to name them all.

Simply set, her experience is that the worst guys go straight-out at her while the best guys are nowhere to be seen.

Shes Likely Just Not That Into You, and You Require to Be O.K. With That

The median guy observes the average woman at least somewhat sexually attractive. Guess about it. The next time youre walking down the street or hanging out in a mall or student union, ask yourself severely, What percent of these women would I be willing to have sex with right now, if it was safe, easy, consensual, and no strings attached?

If youre like most young guys, the answer would be well over 70 percenteven including the mommies and older females. For some of you freaks, especially including them.

By contrast, the average woman discovers the average human sexually invisible, neutral, disgusting, or repulsive. Merely a tiny percentage of guys inspire immediate lust in girls. And most of those guys have already moved to New York or LA to become actors or models. If you are over eighteen and havent done that, youre not one of those guys.

This is a huge sex difference in initial choosiness, documented in both scientific research and online dating data, that plays out in every domain of sexuality and dating.( Of course, if a relationship develops between a man and woman, he gets a lot choosier about whether to date her exclusively, move in with her, or wed herbut thats a discussion for another time. All you need to know at this point is that females are choosier about who they have sex with; men are choosier about whom they commit to .) Guys have sexual fantasies about almost all the women they know, whereas girls have fictions about almost no men. She doesnt have as many sexual fictions per month as you do, she doesnt masturbate nearly as much, and sex is usually more in the background of her consciousness than the foreground.

Another reason shes not attracted to most men is that she thinks their attires are stupid and their clothes dont fit. Because they are and they dont. Shes right. She also knows what your body would look like naked, and she likely thinks youre either a lazy loser( out of shape) or a narcissistic gym rat( in too-good shape ). None of this should be particularly surprising or contentious. She likes what she likes, and, statistically, the chances are youre not it.

Where it gets problematic is when you dont get the picture and she has to tell you, because women dont like having to repudiate humen explicitly. There is a deep evolutionary logic to this preference, and it has a lot to do with minimizing the very real risks they face from publicly humiliating their suitors. It was almost always better for an ancestral woman to maintain a guy within her social orbit as a possible nonsexual friend rather than alienate or upset him. Women arent being ambiguous and mysterious and elusive because theyre playing games or fucking with your head. Theyre just instinctively trying to reduce the risk of eliciting harassment or stalking or violent retaliation.

Heres how women tell you they arent into you: their first line of defense is simply to play it cool, professional, and neutral. They keep their physical and psychological distance, minimise contact and chatter, and eliminate any signs of affection or interest that could be misunderstood as sexual.

If that doesnt run, they might escalate the subtle rejection vibes by acting in a way that naive young men interpret as cold or stuck up or bitchy. This vibe is not cruelit signals that you failed to appreciate their earlier cues of disinterest, and theyve reluctantly had to making such a disinterest even more obvious to get it through your thick head that they do not wish to fuck you. If females wanted to be cruel when they repudiated you, they would ask their friends to cut your belly open with sharp flints and pull your intestines out for the wild hyenas to eator whatever the equally painful equivalent on Facebook would be.

Women “ve tried to” do the best they can to repudiate you without humbling you. The most experienced and confident “they il be”, the better they are at rejecting you patently enough that you go away but not so obviously that youre ashamed in front of your friends and other women. But its not their responsibility to reject you in the way that would be least costly to you; its the main responsibilities to take the clue as best you can and go away.

She Already Knows Shes Pretty, and Shes Still Self-Conscious

If you gratify a woman who strikes you as beautiful, youre probably not the first guy to notification. In attractiveness research, humen show very high agreement in their ratings of womens faces and bodies. This means that as long as she has been objectively beautiful she has been admired, hit on, masturbated to, and harassed by guys from ages sixteen to sixty, including many of her classmates, teachers, peers, coach-and-fours, coworkers, and bossesnot to mention total strangers, pickup artists, and alleged talent scouts for modeling agencies. Many of the guys who hit on her were nasty sociopaths, because the nice guys saw her too intimidating. And enough females have found her threatening that shes had trouble keeping more than a few close friends. Her beauty has already been both a bles and a curse for years before you ever laid eyes on her.

This is one reason why its pointless, and often counterproductive, to go up and compliment beautiful women on their beauty. Tell her something she doesnt already know and hasnt just heard from hundreds of thousands of guys. Better yet, dont tell her anything. Ask her about their own interests, ambitions, friends, backgroundanything that requires some social intelligence to appreciate behind her hot girl persona. Just talk to her like you already understand that( a) shes beautiful, and you both is well aware,( b) shes felt ambivalent about her beauty for years, and( c) shed like to be appreciated for things shes achieved in her life through her own efforts , not through winning the genetic lottery of physical attractiveness.

Yet here is the great irony about female beauty: shes still very self-conscious about her face and her body and her clothes and her accessories. Frankly, she doesnt actually understand why youre attracted to her. This holds true even for a very good-looking female, because she compares herself to the worlds most beautiful models and actresses, air-brushed to perfection, staring her down from the encompas of every women publication and billboard. She doesnt typically consider what men actually find attractive or she misunderstands it completely.

Most females think that humen are most attracted to the rail-thin models or skinny actresses that grace the covers of the publications they purchase. Theyre wrong. Studies show that most men are attracted to women with curves and meat on their bones; the high-fertility hourglass shapes( like Kim Kardashian, Sofia Vergara, or Halle Berry ), not low-fertility apple shapes or no-fertility chopstick shapes. Also, guys prefer women who are physically healthy and capable, with strong muscles, bones, connective tissues, and immune systems, since this predicts being a sexually energetic girlfriend; a capable, protective mom; and a long-lived partner.( Think Jennifer Lawrence, Jessica Biel, Rhona Mitra, or Jennifer Garner) Men want only the right amount of fat, in the right places, on a strong, healthy frame.

Unfortunately, most women think the male notion of beauty is binary: fat( bad) or thin( good ). So they diet utilizing bad health advisory opinions and spotty willpower to strive for the supermodel timber shape, and they lose both their cues of fertility( boobs and butt) and their cues of ability( muscle ), undermining their attractiveness.

Remember, she didnt evolve to be attracted to women or their feminine traits, so shes sort of mystified that you could find her sexually desirable in the first place. It simply doesnt make sense to her. Theres a part of her that was incredulous during puberty when boys were starting to notification her, and that part is still there. Shes got a bit of impostor syndrome about her own erotic power.

This self-consciousness extends to nearly every aspect of her appearance, including many regions of her body and most of what she wears. Women put a lot of guessed into their appearance. Everything they wear and showing is likely a conscious option. Every choice is a statementbut not every statement succeeds. Yet often, females cant tell if theyve struck the right balance between formal and casual, tight and loose, sexy and slutty, classical and avant-garde, earnest and ironic. Are they projecting sexy vamp or meth-head incarcerate bait? Are they projecting sophisticated Brooklyn hipster or Jersey Real Housewife?

The problem is that they almost never get accurate feedback about what image theyre projecting. Her friends are too polite to tell her the truth one style or the other, and guys are too horny to tell the difference. Most guys are oblivious to clothe altogether, let alone the specific, conscious selections that women induce. When it comes to what we wear, most of us only throw on whatevers clean.

The fact that most guys cant tell the difference between haute couture and Juicy Couture( or the respective differences in effort and savor) merely amplifies her self-consciousness. And if you want to turn her self-consciousness up to 11, be the guy who cant seem to pick up on her signs of interest in you either. That one is a killer for any young woman who has put herself out there. If a womans truly interested in you, she will go out of her style to be around you and to be visible and available for you to approach. If youre oblivious enough not to get those signals, she may even have the gumption to wave at you or ask her friend to say hi. Sadly, if youre younger than twenty and/ or have had sexuality with fewer than four women, youll probably overlook or misinterpret all of those female option cues. Pay more attention next time.

She Is Worried About Her Social Status, and Youre a Big Part of That

Just like males compete against other males for resources that matter to males, females vie against other females for resources that matter to them. Typically, female-female competition in other animals is more about food, province, or other resources required to reproduce.

But if youre in a competitive mating marketplace with a limited number of attractive, desirable males that all the women want, then women are going to compete against each other to get and maintain those males. And they are going to use any tactics that workseduction, manipulation, rumor, physical violence, verbal violenceanything that works to get those guys and make them stick around.

Science has started to delve into female-female rivalry in a serious way merely in the last five years or so, and we still dont understand its intricacies very well. For instance, it might seem weird to humen that female-female rivalry would ever involve something as arbitrary as the specific brands of high-heeled shoes or handbags that girls wear and carry.

But think about guys bragging about which micro-brewed beer they like, which concealed-carry pistol they favor, or which car they drive. The red soles of Christian Louboutin heels and the stitching on Celine handbags dont build that much difference to their functionbut the same is true for the nuances of the Congress Street IPA, the Springfield XDs, and the Maserati Quattroporte. Both sexualities are suckers for status-seeking through consumerism.

Guys know that some of our male-male rivalry tactics are stupid and ridiculous. Same with women. If youre smart enough to be reading this, then the women who are smart enough to be good mates for you already understand most of the absurdities of female-female competition. Theyre just as disgusted by stupid females as you are by stupid men. But just as you seek social approving from guys you dont really respect, women seek social acceptance from women they dont truly respectand theyre often appalled that they instinctively care so much about it.

This is where the similarities objective, however. Women face much different social vulnerabilities. On average, theyre less anxious than humen about being bad at athletics, opposing, or making money. But they fret a lot more about their sexual reputations among their acquaintances, coworkers, family, and neighbors. Specifically, they fret about the existential reputational threat posed by slut-shaming in modern society.

Women are vicious to each other about slut-shaming. A womans entire social life could be ruined by one mean sexual rumor that has been perpetuated through social media by people who scarcely well known. By the time a woman is out of college, shes had years of hearing females rag on other women( in their class, in their dorm, in their sorority, at the performance of their duties) for being sluts and prostitutes. Imagine the nervousnes that comes with an ill-timed one-night stand or an indiscreet friend with benefits. It can be paralyzing for some women.

As a guy or even only a functional is part of society, its important to realize that female slut-shaming isnt the product of some deep self-loathing or in-group hatred. Rather, it is as prevalent as it is because a promiscuous rival is a womans biggest threat to maintaining a good boyfriend. Sluts arent derogated because women are uncomfortable with their sexuality; its because theyre experts at mate poaching, which is a very real menace to most women. So when women are thinking about short-term mating with you, theyre also thinking, Who at school or work might find out about this? and How will I feel about this when Im Skyping with my mommy afterward this week?

Female promiscuity also has a tragedy of the commons impact in the mating marketplace. If one woman offers blowjobs on the second date, its harder for other women to keep them in reserve until the fourth date as their special treat. This generates a downward spiral of young lady feeling like they have to offer more and more sexuality to more and more guys simply to stay in the mating game. Thus, slut-shaming is a way of enforcing a more restraint sex norm on other women so that not all women have to become more promiscuous than any of them would like.

The slut-shaming then ooze down into a womans emotional matrix, where it can fester and undermine her self-respect. Thats why girls typically do not feel great about themselves the morning after a one-night stand unless they have a lot of self-confidence and sex experience. Theres a reason they call the journey home the morning after a hookup the stroll of shame.

Given the risk of slut-shaming, a typical female strategy is to pursue short-term mating quietly, with a lot of plausible deniability, adaptive self-deception, and circumstantial rationalization. Any credible excuse for casual sex can reduce the slut-shaming riskIt was my birthday, I was drunk, It was spring violate, It was Jamaica, after all, Ive always admired his writing.

These special-circumstance rationales help women generate plausible deniability to other women that any given short-term sex was not representative of their usual longer-term mating strategy. Even the euphemisms that females use for sexuality( hanging out, hooking up, partying, dating, going out together) assist obscure the key issue of whether intercourse actually happened.

Understanding all this is especially important if you gratify a woman whos with her friends. She knows they are watching and judging. If you talk to her for a few minutes and shes charmed, maybe shell want to leave immediately to go have sex with you. Weirder things have happened. But she probably wont do that, because she knows she will be accountable to her friends the next time they meet. They will ask about what happened. Shell have to come up with a tale about why fucking a guy within an hour of meeting him should not undermine her sex reputation.

So guys in that situation should not try to steal a woman away from her friends as soon as possible. Instead, just get her number so you can text her about getting together later, in private. That way, she can induce her best judgement about whether to tell her friends anything about the night, and shes much better protected against the long-term effects of slut-shaming.

Her reputational fears dont simply end with whether or not she had sex with you. If she starts dating you, that too will affect her status within her peer group, either positively or negatively. She can already foresee how that will play out. Partly it depends on your qualities as a guy. Are you such an awesome guy that shell get an immediate status boost from you having opted her? Or are you such an embarrassing mess that shell suffer a status lossat least until she fixes you up and stimulates you presentable? Her friends will also judge her based on how you treat her. Are you sexually exploiting and emotionally forgetting her like that creep last year? That lowers her status. Or are you taking care of her like a potential Mr. Right would? That raises her status.

You can do everyone a huge favor before you even get to this stage by making an effort in that initial moment of contact to charm her friendseven the grumpy onesso that they think youre a cool, funny guy and give you the benefit of the doubt from the jump.

This is as much for you and her as it is for her friends, who face a harder task in evaluating you than she does. You were an unknown quantity after all, an uncertain wager. They need time to appreciate your strengths and accept your imperfections. But while their jury is still out, your new girlfriend will suffer a temporary loss of status. Attaining a good impression right away speeds up their deliberation.

Shes Terrified of Pregnancy, Abandonment and STDs

Pregnancy has been the most fundamental sex difference in mammals for more than seventy million years. Women get pregnant, humen dont. Most of the sexuality differences in human mating strategies emerge, directly or indirectly, from that basic fact.

Its a complicated issue for young lady. In the long term, pregnancy with a great husband is one of most womens greatest aspirationsit can be a true bles. But in the short term, unwanted pregnancy is one of their biggest anxieties. Get knocked up can be a career-wrecking, family-shaming, mate-value-decreasing disaster, even if the newborn daddy has great genes and promises to be there when the shitty nappies made the fan.

We know from anthropological surveys of hunter-gatherer societies that if a guy abandons a woman or he has a hunting collision and gets killed, the likelihood of her baby surviving drops alarmingly. Its a potentially huge expense, and its why women have evolved a pretty good radar for detecting unreliable flakes.

Being stuck with a little child also seriously lowers a womans attractiveness to future humen. Whatever her mate value was before the newborn, its going to drop-off afterwards. Very few guys want to become a step-dad, and women understand this. Their instinctive worry about unwanted pregnancy is often stronger than their conscious trust in birth control. Female mammals have been getting pregnant since before the dinosaurs ran extinct. Reliable rubber condoms werent invented until 1855. The Pill arrived merely in 1960 thats simply two generations of reliable female birth control. Thats not enough time for evolution to have re-calibrated women mate predilections to this new reality that they could, in theory, have lots of casual short-term sexuality without getting pregnant.

Lets tell a woman get through high school, college, and young adulthood unscathed on the pregnancy front. She still has to worry about the armada of sexually transmitted diseases( STDs) sailing toward her aboard your dirty penis. Or at the least thats whats “re going through” her mind, unconsciously.

For STDs like gonorrhea, genital herpes, or HPV, its much easier for the viruses or bacteria to run from your penis to her vagina than vice versa. Even if you always use condoms, theres still a danger of breakage, slippage, or incomplete coverage( if you have warts or sores near the base of your dick ). When a guy gets an STD, its usually a temporary inconvenience. When a woman gets one, it can often lead to infertility, or it can infect the baby during birth. The STD stakes are simply higher for women. This is one reason why girls evolved a stronger inclination for sexual abhorrence toward anything that tends to promote the spread of STDs: promiscuity, group sex, anal sexuality, whatever. If a sexual activity has a high STD risk but doesnt bring her much pleasure, build an emotional connection with the guy, or be used to help pass along good genes to future babies, why would she do it?

You could be the nicest guy in the world with everything going for you, but if you roll up to a woman trying to run game appearing or smelling like you only climbed out from the bottom of a third-world public toilet, these are some of the fears that may be driving her to keep her distance. In fact, she cares more about how you smell than you can imagine. Its a mammalian thingpheromones are real. And so is poor hygiene. Some females will decide theyre interested in hooking up with a guy merely from his online dating profile, and the live, in-person date is basically to see if he reeks as good chemically as he looked digitally.

She Is Just as Frustrated by Dating as You Are

Even apart from womens physical vulnerabilities, sexual-reputation nervousness, and practical physical needs, womens intellects evolved to be different from humen minds. They evolved to want different things at different times.

As a man, its easy to envy womens sex power if youre ignorant of their romantic desires. You might suppose, like the seduction pushers in the PUA community often do, that if you were an attractive woman, you could sleep with any guy you wanted, get laid every weekend, and it would be awesome. And you could. But you wouldnt loved it. Because thats not what girls evolved to wantthat behavior did not serve their evolutionary interests.

In fact, this might be hard for you to believe, but its true: it is much harder for a highly attractive woman to get what she wants, sexually and romantically, than it is for a highly attractive man.

Yes, every beautiful, bright woman knows she could seduce almost any human for a quick fuck. But that is rarely what she wants. She usually wants a boyfriend, at least. And her experience, if she is single, is that she has failed, over and over and over, to get the guys she truly respects and admires, the great catches, the Mr. Rights, to stay with her as long as she wants.

This is due in no small portion to her struggle to understand her own taste in humen. There are some guys she thinks she should logically be attracted to but isnt, while there are other guys she knows she should stay away from but she cant.This internal conflict is more pronounced in younger women than older, more experienced girls; but it never fully going on around here, and it only stimulates dating that much more frustrating.

Shes also frustrated by the dating scene because day is running out. Most young women want it alleducation, career, money, status, love, marriage, kids, meaning, and purpose. But they cant see how all that could plausibly happen by age 40 when fertility plummets. Do the age-math. If the average American woman is about to graduate college( typically around age 24 ), she might think about being a doctorbut thats another four years for an M.D.( until age 28 ), and 6 years of exhausting residency( age 34) before she can even start constructing her independent practise, which can take years. By the time most bright females are in their late 20 s, theyve realized that the clock is ticking for both their career schemes and their family plans and that the two are not going to fit together very well. Shes going to be looking for a guy who can help her manage these heartbreaking trade-offs.

Thats why, if your early-stage relationship is going welleven just the first hour of chattingshe might want to have sex with you very soon. And if its not going well, she probably wont have sex with you evereven if youre an otherwise attractive guy. If you dont is understood that even the very first hour of talking with her constitutes a type of relationship that needs some level of reciprocal respect and nurturance, she will especially not have sex with you.

If she does decide to have sex with you though, what she is most concerned about is not whether you are able to transgress the bed, but whether youll transgres her heart. Women naturally fall for guys theyve had several orgasms with. The oxytocin magical runs reliably. This induces them emotionally vulnerable. The better the sex and the more they like you, the faster it happens.

So will you fuck her for one night and never call her again? That hurts for a week( or longer, if she really liked you ). Will you hook up for three months until she falls in love with you, then evaporate for no obvious reason? That they are able to hurt her for a year( or longer ).

All of this makes the dating scene incredibly frustrating for women. Understand that and youll understand why women arent bending over backward to fulfill your unquenchable sexual thirst.

She Has Sexual Fantasies Just like You Do, Except She Gets a Bunch of Shit for Hers

Men have telephone sexuality; females talk dirty. Men are bad boys; females are dirty daughters. Most females have that naughty, dirty side that drives many of their sex fantasies. Most of those fantasies arent literally bad and dirty, however. Women dont fantasize about being sexually assaulted by bridge trolls on top of floating garbage skiffs. But they do fantasize about being sexually predominated and controlled by handsome, caring, and capable all those people who operate secretly on the periphery of acceptable society. The Fifty Shades series has sold more than 100 million transcripts for a reason.

What is a modern woman to induce of this part of her sexual-emotional circuitry? Shell likely buried it deep in her private bedroom habits and worry that if she ever disclosed it to a guy, hed be such a reductive moron that he would think she wants to be dominated and controlled all the time, in every aspect of their own lives. Or worse, he might take it as license to unleash the really fucked up shit hes wanted to try.

It doesnt seem fair( arent all fictions created equal ?), but current realities is that females are more prone to sexual abhorrence than guys are, and the average guy wants the average woman to do stuff that shed find at least reasonably grossanal, bondage, threesomes, and more.

Shes unsure how to be considered this. If she holds her ground and only does what shes comfortable with, will a good boyfriend abandon her for some kinky skank? Shes also vaguely aware that her father would want to kill you for whatever you want to do to her body, and his judgment hovers over her bedroom like the Eye of Sauron. Even if shes sexually open to some of the weird shit that you want, shes not confident that she can do it right. The sex abilities they require are baffling and intimidating to her, and cultivating them would increase her risk of being slut-shamed from certain corners of her life.

And simply to add insult to injury, she knows she likely wont reach orgasm the first few days she sleeps with you. When you have sex with a new woman and youre under about age 60, you can be pretty confident that youll enjoy the experience and be able to come. For guys, sexuality is reliably pleasant. But for women with a new guy, she wont feel safe and relaxed enough, or she wont be attracted enough to him yet, or he wont know her body well enough. Especially in one-night stands, most women dont climax with most men. They might still have a wonderful timewomen can enjoy non-orgasmic sex a lot more than you realize, especially if youre really into them. But she usually wont reaching that world-melting, mind-blowing orgasm that she might be craving.

Also, she resents your putting pressure on her to orgasm. She knows you want her to arrive, and she knows that to you its some weird test of your sex skills and gentlemanly altruism. But, candidly, if she just wanted to come, shed have stayed home with a bottle of white wine, Fifty Shades of Grey, and her vibrator. If shes with you, its because she wants more than just an orgasm. She wants a sexual connect. She wants to feel sexually desired. And she wants you to have a great time so youll call her again. And often, the best way for you to give her all that is to simply enjoy the hell out of her, without worrying too much about whether she comes. By all means, be great at foreplaybut do it because you love it , not like youre warming up a car engine on a cold morning.

Practice Perspective-Taking

You should now have a much better comprehend on the issues females deal with on a day-to-day, hour-to-hour, week-to-week basis. Uncertainty about and threats to their physical, emotional, and social security surround them. You get that at a general level. But what about at the specific, individual female level? How do you grow your insights into her point of view? How do you subjectify her? You do it by practicing perspective-taking.

Next time youre in class or sitting in a Starbucks, pick out a woman in the crowd( a fairly classmate, a customer, the barista ), and for a few minutes imagine yourself in her scalp in the most nonSilence of the Lambs way possible. Then ask yourself topics like these 😛 TAGEND What is something unique to her life and central to her identity that is impossible for me to know simply by looking at her? Who are the potential threats around her in this place right now? What does she think about all the guys in here? What is the likelihood she thinks Im among the most attractive guys here? What parts of her body is she most disconcerted about and most proud of? Why did she choose to wear those specific clothes and accessories today? Who are her friends, and which ones would be most judgmental if she had casual sex? How does that impact her behavior and options? If she got pregnant tomorrow, what would she do? What kind of men does she date, and do they sexually fulfilled her? Are any of them here right now?

You wont necessarily guess the answers, and you should never come near and ask her if your guesses are correctunless you want to know what a restraining order looks like. This is just a thought experiment for you to practice, to put your attention on a womans mind before you ever approach her so that are able to understand her a bit better.

Women are pulling their weight in trying to understand you. They subscribe to womens publications that devote thousands of words a month to trying to get inside your head.( Sadly, those magazines suck .) They chat with their female friends about what men might be thinking or feeling and what a human entailed by this particular sentence or that particular action. They even become psych majors. If you can meet them halfway, youre going to do great.

This post originally appeared on The Observer and is excerpted from Mate: Become the Man Women Want.

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Why People Who Date Overthinkers Are Happier

You dont like to admit it yourself because it induces you sound insecure, but you know you’re an overthinker. You overthink things like the type of smile person gave you and the fact that you tripped on the sidewalk the other day and youre wondering whether or not everyone who looks at you is remembering you as the girl who embarrassed herself.

Now you eventually find a person who seems to like everything about you. They tell all the right things after you struggle to think of a written reply that wont build you seem too eager, or that wont give away the fact that youve only been talking to the person for a few days and already like them so much. But as you get to know the other person, you realize that theyre also an overthinker. They read and re-read their replies to you just as you do for them. And you know that because either they tell you or their messages contain no typos or grammatical mistakes and usually that doesnt happen unless you go through and edit what you wrote

But as you keep talking to the person, you realize that theyre not so scary after all. So perhaps you tell them that you are a major overthinker.

And maybe they tell you that they are, too.

And after that moment of sharing your mutual propensities to overthink everything, whatever you two are develops into the possibility of a relationship. After learning that the person you like is also an overthinker, you see that youre in this together. You realize that maybe you dont need to filter every single thing you say because the other person are aware of. They are no longer viewed as godly or unreachable; they are right in front of you. And they understand your insecurities and your mastered talent of overthinking. Now, when you are talking to the other person, you dont “re going to have to” overthink as much because they will understand if you say something dumb.

So maybe youll merely re-read your text once. Perhaps youll be with the person and youll want to say something but youll think Is this okay to say? Is it too soon for me to say this? Youll just say it. And the other person will appreciate the fact that youre being honest with them and opening up a little more than you would have if they werent an overthinker as well. And if you do happen to say something dumb, you can just say Can you tell that I didnt overthink that? and laugh about it together. And believe it or not, the other person will probably like you even more since they are see that youre nervous, too. Theyll should be noted that you make missteps, too. Theyll feel less nervous around you because theyll know that if they say something dumb, youll understand because youve definitely been in their shoes before.

Youll speedily grow to be more comfortable around one another because slowly but surely, youll stop overthinking things with them. Things will simply become easy with the other person.

And youll both be happier because of it.

Because youll be able to be your goofy, fallible self. And the other person will fall in love with YOU , not with the you that overthinks things and tries to be perfect. You lose yourself when you try to be perfect. Darling, embrace your quirks because the person youre with will love you for them. And hell hope youll love his, too. And when youre lying on the couch with him, giggling about how your outfit couldnt be farther away from matching, youll remember that your relationship all began with a lot of overthinking. And youll suppose Oh how boring it was to overthink everything.

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11 Dumb Ways People Unconsciously Mess Up When Dating Someone New

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40 Classic Carrie Bradshaw One-Liners That Every 20 -Something Woman Will Appreciate


Maybe some females arent meant to be tamed.


I’ve expended $40,000 on shoes and I have no place to live? I will literally be the old woman who lived in her shoes!


There is a good way to break up with person, and it doesnt involve a post-it!


When it comes to finance and dating, why do we keep investing?


I like my money where I can see it hanging in my closet.


I will never be the woman with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it.


I couldn’t understand a word she was saying, but I felt I had in my possession all the Italian I’d ever wished to know: Dolce, Dolce, Dolce.


Being single used to mean that nobody wanted you , now it means youre pretty sexy and youre taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to expend it with.


If he never calls me again, I’ll always think of him lovingly, as an asshole.


Why are there so many great American women and no great American men?


Beauty is fleeting, but a rent-controlled apartment overlooking the park is forever.


I used to think those people who sat alone at Starbucks writing on their laptops were pretentious posers , now I know: they are people who have recently moved in with someone.


Are there women in New York who are just there to construct us feel bad about ourselves?


They say nothing lasts eternally; dreams change, tendencies come and go, but friendships never go out of style.


If we know the house always wins, why gamble?


Oh my God, hes online! Can he consider me?


Maybe pessimism is something we have to apply daily, like moisturizer.


Id like a cheeseburger, big fries, and a cosmopolitan.


I have a style, and jewelled panties aren’t it.


Soulmates: reality or torture device?


I revealed too much too soon I was emotionally slutty.


Cosmopolitans plus scotch equals relationship with an ex.


Men who are too good appearing are never good in bed because they never had to be.


Twenty-something daughters: friends, or foe?


And we were dressed from head to toe in love … the only label that never runs out of style.


The fact is, sometimes it’s really hard to walk in a single woman’s shoes that’s why we need really special ones now and then to construct the walking a little more fun.


Can you get to a future if your past is present?


Some labels are best left in the closet.


” You knew I was more Coco Chanel than Coq au Vin .”


Somewhere out there is another little freak who will love us and understand us and kiss our three heads and make it all better.


When it comes to relationships, maybe were all in glass homes, and shouldnt throw stones.


Life gives you lots of chances to screw up which means you have just as many chances to get it right.


He was like the flesh and blood equivalent of a DKNY dress. you know it’s not your style, but it’s right there, so you try it on anyway.


After all, seasons change, so do cities; people come into your life and people go.


The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself.


Meanwhile, all I wanted to do was run away.


Manolo Blahnik Mary Janes! I thought these were an urban shoe myth!


New York Magazine says Brooklyn is the new Manhattan.


Why is it that putting a affiliation around a man’s neck is sometimes even sexier than taking it off?


Dont forget to fall in love with yourself first.

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Dance halls were the Tinder of their day | Ian Jack

At least those who are rejected on Tinder dont know about it. We had to traverse a dance floor and risk being snubbed

According to the Online Dating Association, a quarter of what it calls new relationships in the UK are formed by the use of dating sites. The exact nature of these relationships, how long they last, the methodology used to arrive at the above figures of one in four: these things are unknown. The world of dating sites and apps is an apple-and-pears orchard of contestable statistics. In 2013, a study by the Pew Research Centre found that one in five Americans between the ages of 25 and 45 had tried online dating at least once, but at the same time acknowledged that only 5% of Americans who were married or in a long-term relationship had observed their partners online. The Guardians own Soulmates site says it has 230,000 active users, which was a figure that impressed me until I read that the Tinder app, launched in 2012, was by 2014 registering around a billion swipes worldwide a day.

Tinder owes a lot of its remarkable success to a simple movement of the hand. The apps algorithm provides the user with a stream of likely matches, which he or she then rejects by swiping the screen to the left, or accepts by swiping right. The leftwards movement takes only a second and is literally dismissive; the face fades and another takes its place the user has in his hand the power of rulers, slave-masters and triage surgeons choosing who can and cant be saved. But at the least the rejected never know of their rejection. When dance hall rather than laptop screens or smartphones were the places you went to meet the unknown and desirable, you knew it too well. You walked across the floor of the hall to the side where the girls stood and said to one of them something like, Would you like to dance? She might say no. In the years to come you would encounter worse things in their own lives, but that small shame always stood out in the memory: your blush, your retreat back to the male side by an indirect route so your friends wouldnt notification, the band starting out on Moon River. Whenever you heard or read the word snub, this was what you remembered.

Dance dormitories were the Tinder of their day. In 1953, the Economist described them as Britains second-biggest entertainment industry after cinema, with an estimated attendance of about four million a week and 200 million over the year. Footballs 80 or 90 million spectators didnt come close. The figures for the consequence of all this dancing are, like those for online dating, less dependable: the Daily Mail suggested in 1950 that 70% of couples in Britain had first met on a dance floor, and in Glasgow as high a proportion of marriages were often said to have originated in the same way. But Glasgow was dance-mad. In James Notts recently published history of dance hall, Going to the Palais, several authorities speak of the ability of the Glasgow dancer, though somehow nobody has recollected the famous line from a 1949 pantomime sketch, Polly at the Palais: He says Im a champ dancer, but I think hes a damp chancer.( Spoken by Duncan Macrae in drag, it was still being quoted 20 years later .)

Nott quotes a Glasgow tally for 1952 of 14 permanent dance hall, some of them among Britains largest, as well as dozens of other venues licensed for dancing: dormitories owned by churches, the city firm, the Co-op and Orange lodges. By the time I got inside a Glasgow dance hall, that figure hadnt shrunk much “the worlds biggest” shrinkage is in the accomplished dancing that now survives, in an overbred, Crufts Show way, in television depicts such as Strictly as the last relic of this great social phenomenon. Occasionally a couple might carve a passageway through the crowd on the floor like a well-driven dodgem he in patent leather shoes, steering but, to quote one of Notts witnesses from that time, The masses are content to shuffle. All they want is to get around[ the floor] tolerably comfortably. What mattered about dancing to the young was that in a more segregated age within and outside the workplace it allowed us to meet and touch members of the opposite sex.

My shuffling days began in Fife. The Kinema Ballroom in Dunfermline, the Raith in Kirkcaldy, the Aberdour Palais. The Palais wasnt much more than a big shed with a lemonade stall inside, but unlike the Snake Pit( nobody knew it by any other name) near the dockyard in Rosyth, it was felt to be respectable and free of sailors.

Only after I moved to Glasgow was the full splendour of the ballroom exposed. The Locarno, and perhaps the Majestic too, had a revolving stage that allowed( say) a band mainly of saxophones to be replaced by a band mainly of guitars, each inducing music as they swung in or out of view. The Plaza the Plazas the place said the adverts had a fountain in the middle of the floor. No-alcohol polices were strictly enforced. Doormen at the Majestic would come down the queue and turn away anyone they thought might upset the interior decorum, including a friend I was with one night who at most had had two pints of beer. He was a kind and considerate man who introduced me to the music of Brahms, and to my continuing disgrace, I ran inside without him.

This has been history for a very long time. Few dance hall survived by the end of the 1960 s. Some lived on a little longer by restyling themselves as discotheques or nightclubs( Tiffanys, Joannas ); others became bingo venues; many were demolished. What I hadnt realised until I read Notts account was how swift the transition had been from boom to bust. Throughout the 1950 s an entertainment that had jumped to life between the wars went on expanding. It applied 50,000 dance musicians and made good gains for dance-hall chains such as Mecca( a carefree name, in hindsight, for a company devoted to dancing, gambling and beauty tournaments ). The boom at the Palais is fantastic, Mecca reported in 1960. Our business increases by 10%. Its shares trebled in value between 1958 and 1962 as it opened new dormitories throughout Britain. Unlike the cinema, which thanks to television had considered a steep fall in numbers, dancing had no obvious rival.

Notts explanation for its downfall is that a new era of prosperity and job security had turned the working class away from such communal pleasures and towards homebuying, homemaking, family life and individualism. That may well be part of it, but I guess a bigger reason was the slow but steady erosion of male/ female separation. Tom Harrisson, one the founders of the Mass Observation, is quoted memorably in the book where reference is writes of young men coming to prewar dance halls perhaps wanting love, but very vaguely. A different male generation began to realise that “youve met” females as “youve met” humen arbitrarily, by odd roads, at work, in pubs( where they were much more present ), as the friends of friends, in circumstances where you were relieved of the ulterior motive and the silly hope that something might come of it when the last number objective and you asked the second most important question of the night: can I see you home?

Going to the Palais : A Social and Cultural History of Dancing and Dance Halls in Britain, 1918 -1 960, by James Nott is published by Oxford University Press .

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14 Reasons Why Traveling Is A Lot Like Falling In Love

1. Your longing to discover more is heightened.

Theres always something about that someone you fall in love with thats fascinating and exhilarating. You want to get to know the person on a deeper level and yet, no matter how much you know about the person, there will always be more to discover that thrills. You just wake up in a trance wanting to know everything there is to learn about the person.

In traveling, every time you go somewhere, unconsciously, you look at it just the same way. You are driven. When you go to some place, correspondingly you dive into the unfamiliar and each step you take only gets you a step closer to unraveling its beauty. In return, the place slowly reveals itself to you. However, you yearn to discover more about it because even if you might just be re-visiting the place, youll realize that there will always be more to it to discover, explore, and experience.

2. You make sacrifices selflessly.

You realize that you just cant have everything. There are things that you will have to sacrifice at some point. You tend to set your priorities in order. You may no longer seem to be the person that you used to be but youre fine with it anyway. You learn to adjust and compromise with the person you fell in love with. You dont recount on the issues in between you two but you tend to trust the person more than the blossoming relationship.

In traveling, you are forced to make a lot of sacrifices too. You cannot predict what happens on the road. Thus, you work your way to deal with every situation as it is, however its good or bad. You defy the odds that comes your way. You try to twist negative encounters with a fellow to something positive no matter what. On the road, you tend to be flexible in every situation. Thus, you always come glorious even during misadventures. You treat it like a life lesson you carry with you all through your next travels. You just adjust and learn to compromise, you become bolder, stronger and forgiving too.

3. You forget your reservations.

Falling in love with someone could be scary too. No matter how long you know the person does not give any assurance of security. But, because you intend to be open to the person as you fall deeply in love, you put your guards down and let yourself get through your own inhibitions.

Just like in traveling, allowing yourself to go out there puts you in an implausible amount of pressure. At times you tend to also feel burdened trying your best to make sure that things during each travels go smoothly as planned. But, once youre in it, you tend to overlook your dilemmas and set aside your doubts. Whats important is that youre there, enjoying the ride, and is terrifically ready for it no matter what happens in between.

4. You accept the good and the bad.

The more you get to know the person you just fell in love with, you find yourself falling in love even more. Learning about their dark past, sad story, and heavy luggage doesnt change it. You learn to embrace them and even end up loving their flaws too. In traveling, misadventures are inevitable. However, you know how to handle every bad situation you encounter. You just accept it and treat it like a whole new experience to learn from.

5. You divulge that part of you that nobody knows.

When youre just starting to get into a relationship, little by little you bare your soul. That soul may just be about that side of you that others dont know of. You can just be the person that you are with this person, comfortably. The same is true when it comes to traveling. When youre new in a place, you tend to not be afraid to show and represent yourself. You could be as silly without worrying to be judged. You tend to find how its easier to even start up a conversation and say whats on your mind. Its even amusing how to end up revealing this side of you that you dont even know existed.

6. You are inspired and motivated.

Falling in love can be a great source of inspiration and motivation. Sometimes, you can picture a life with the person you fell in love with and that keeps you feeling good while doing your thing. You may find yourselves working on a common goal too. It keeps you both interested in keeping your growing relationship because you see that youre good for each other.

Traveling is a lot like that too. It can bring out the best in you in many ways. It could also be a great source of inspiration and motivation. Youll find yourself working hard to save for a travel fund and find yourself realizing your travel plan anytime soon. Youll want to work even harder, become better and, if possible, be more at everything. Because you think that it will make you fully equipped to deal with whatever is going to happen on the road. It matters to you to be a better person to share to the world and even a better person to share to your loved ones and friends when you get back home.

7. You want to try new things you never tried before.

Falling in love could also mean falling in love with the differences you share with someone. Not required, but you tend to try to experience how it is with your special someones shoes. You tend to push yourself out of your comfort zone to understand the person youre building a relationship with. There is essentially a reasonable rush of adrenaline that gives you confidence to do things you think you wouldnt do ever. Not to impress them but to genuinely show your interest in them by trying to make your flourishing relationship work. In traveling, the urge in wanting to try new things is unbelievable. You just cant get enough of anything. A new skill could open a door to another which pushes you to continuously try and learn another. Thus, trying becomes unending and so does traveling, as a huge venue to learning new things.

8. It is painful when its over.

Falling in love entails a lot of risks. Youre love may not be reciprocated. Youre blossoming relationship may not last. And it will hurt. It will hurt tremendously that you may no longer want to gamble in love anymore. Its the same with traveling, when time is up and its time to go home, youll find yourself wanting to stay a little longer. It saddens you that a trip is over especially when you eyed to visit the place too long. However, in traveling, there is just no moving on. You can just keep coming back and plan for more adventures.

9. You look forward each to moment.

You wake up with a smile and jump out of bed enthusiastically. You are positive about what the day has to offer. You simply just look forward to making the day even more worthwhile with your special someone or with the destination youre heading to. No matter how yesterdays may be tough, you actively wake up at dawn to watch out for the amazing sunrise, start on the trip early, beat the traffic, grab a sumptuous breakfast on the way, dare to experience, and yet, completely understand that misadventures are inherent. However, you look forward and anticipate a good day, anyway.

10. It leaves a mark in your life forever.

No matter how short or long the relationship would last, you know that it will always be a part of you. You know that some time in the future, you will remember the person. It could make you smile, it could make you sad, but, nevertheless, it will remind you of a lesson and you will only be grateful that you went through it and became the person that you are at the present. Just like in traveling, a destination can provide you a good view of how to see things differently. Whatever kind of memories you bring with you after a travel, you only end up being thankful that once in your life, you went through an experience that changed the way you see things and theres nothing going to be like it.

11. You see and appreciate how the earth could get colorful, not gray.

Everything just seems to be perfectly beautiful and faultless when you fall in love. You can overlook the flaws, the shortcomings, and doubts. The same goes with traveling, too. You just tend to be relaxed and be at peace. You just dont pay attention to the downsides but look into it in a positive perspective no matter how ugly it could possibly get. You just stay in a good mood, romanticizing everything the place has to offer, and seizing the moment without regrets but only good memories to treasure.

12. You cant get enough.

When you fall in love, every waking day seems like a moment to date and to exchange sweet nothings. You will find yourself having more sense of purpose. Your existence must now include loving and professing love continuously. The experience will make your heart skip a beat and everything you do will seem to revolve around it. Its a mixture of different emotions that you only find yourself craving for more. A day or two may not be enough. You have to see the person you fell in love with as often as you feel like it. In traveling, you will never get enough too. A place couldnt just be a place for you. You will find yourself wanting to experience some more. You will be filled with captured images but at some point, it will never be enough to describe your whole experience. Because the best storyteller will always be you who have experienced coming to a somewhere first hand.

13. You dont miss every detail no matter how little they are.

When you fall gradually in love, you get to know the person bit by bit too. You just dont miss a single little detail about them. It liberates you to know them all. Because somehow, it becomes a validation of how deeply you know the person youre in love with. Just like in traveling, you tend to look at every little thing too, youre very observant; from how each city run their streets, to their customs and traits, to every attraction that you come to explore. Thats why most travelers on record are great storytellers too because they are keen to observe and can readily notice anything.

14. You do anything to make it worthwhile.

You stay calm but try your hardest to make the growing relationship stable and exciting at the same time. You may not be sure where it leads you two but because you invested in genuine feelings and emotions, you simply try your best to make it work to last, somehow. Just like in traveling, you know it always comes with a risk but what would enjoyment mean when you dont go through all the difficulties on the road?

So there you have it, deciphered, how traveling is a lot like falling in love. And just like with falling in love, you may also fear, experience heartbreaks, rare little regrets, have lessons learned, and always a story to tell. Do you agree with us by saying that falling in love is a lot like traveling? How beautiful it is to love. Yet, how even beautiful it is to travel for some. Whats your take? Spread the love. Travel lots!

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