The Miss America Competition Torches Trump, Tackles Colin Kaepernick, Is Totally Bonkers

Everybody deserves a drink–or five–after watching this. “>

As other beauty pageants have slowly run extinctor worse, exclusively to online streamingthe Miss America Competition has refused to loosen its glued-on French manicured grip on prime time television. The 2017 Miss America Competition aired on Sunday night, pitting the tireless work of 8, 000 female competitors against the premarital spats of Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna. Unlike the rest of the pageantry, this was no competition, as the crowning of the Miss America pageant feels more and more irrelevant with every occur year. If I wanted to watch multi-hyphenates give me body, face, and campy talent realness, I would watch an episode of RuPauls Drag Race. If I had a craving for two hours of mediocre content, I would watch a newish episode of SNL. And if I wanted to feel bad about how I look in a bikini, I could just tune in to any television channel/ open a manner publication/ do a Google image search of Gigi Hadid.

The Miss America Competition isnt bad, or unentertainingits just not very good, and not as entertaining as it could be.

The competition opens at the Show me your shoes parade, a mini-challenge of kinds where the contestants are forced to model the distinctive footwear of their home nations. The 2017 Miss America Competition clearly did not go out of its way to distinguish itself from the dystopian YA series The Hunger Games, in which competitors are introduced to the nation in attires inspired by the products that their districts have been forced to fabricate. Playing the role of Caesar Flickerman is Bachelor dad Chris Harrison and his co-host, Sage Steele.

Harrison and Steele introduce the Miss America pageant as second only to the presidential elections , noting that this competition is no less fierce, but a whole lot more friendly. They also emphasize that, We are not to be associated with any other Tv competitions, or any presidential candidates, building us all nostalgic for past presidential races when we could take a lack of beauty pageant affiliation for awarded.

The competitors proceed to introduce themselves in a series of segments, sprinkled throughout Atlantic Citywe have daughters awkwardly gyrating in an abandoned Buddakan, posing for the camera on a cruise, and waving on the boardwalk. Contestants who Chris Harrison hates are forced to making such a introductions from inside an incredibly windy bumper vehicle arena. These 10 -second meet and greets are an early highlight of the competition. Miss Arizona wants you to, Thank my country for giving you the Miranda warningyou have the right to remain silent, except when cheering for me. Miss Arkansas boast, In my country, daughters dont need to wait to get a diamondwe can dig up our own. There are athletics facts, numerous shout-outs to the armed forces, and one rascal Neil Patrick Harris reference. As each woman delivers her line, her pageant sisters awkwardly shake their bodies around in work-appropriate red, white, and blue transformation dress, as if theyre participating in a lunch breaking flashing mob at a midtown Au Bon Pain.

Chris Harrison tells us that the preliminary magistrates have already been cutting down the competition for two weeks. Tonight, hell announce the 15 women who are advancing to the onscreen portion of the pageantthe swimsuit, talent, and topic segments. The first woman who will be moving forward is the audience picking, Miss Kentucky. In her pre-shot video, Miss Kentucky briefly talks about her eating disorder, as the crowd cheers and Chris Harrison speed-lists the next 15 names. The pacing of this show is truly insaneChris Harrison has quickly pivoted from Bachelor in Paradise, a depict from which ABC squeezes hours of content every week, to this two-hour information-and-action-packed extravaganza. The women move from one side of the stage to the other as the co-hosts rattle off the members of the commission of starring magistrates. Gabby Douglas! Ciara! Mark Cuban! Laura Marano?

Harrison finishes reading off the listing of women who now have the honor of getting to go change into their bikinis. At this phase, weve got to pour one out for Miss Missouri Erin O Flaherty, the pageants first openly gay contestant, who didnt make it into the top 15. O Flaherty, who openly spoke about her sexuality but never wanted it to define her, proves that gay women can do anythingeven old school, borderline problematic straight people things like beauty pageants.

After a short # SponCon segment of the contestants showing off their Sally Hansen Airbrush Legs, Chris Harrison introduces the bathing suit competition to really kick off the depict. According to Harrison, the original bathing beauties of the Atlantic City pageant have transformed into well-rounded, modern women in athleisure, leaning into fitness and swimsuit appears. In the Miss America Competition, women actually can do it all: wear a bikini, five-inch heels, huge earrings, AND walk around in tiny circles with their hands on their waists. I understand how hard ABC is trying to salvage this competition from the aura of sexism and superficiality that surrounds every beauty pageantry. Regrettably, all of that work was instantly undone by a shot of Mark Cuban diligently taking handwritten notes while staring at a woman walk down a runway in a thong bikini.

Twelve contestants advance to the evening gown round. Harrison insists that, This isnt a manner depict. Instead of superficially examining these garments, Chris Harrison urges to magistrates and the audience to genuinely home in on these womens bodies and faces. You may have come for the rhinestoned manner calamities, but youll stay for the informative voiceovers.

Miss California tells us that her No. 1 style icon is Nina Dobrev. Other quoth runway inspirations include Kendall Jenner and Amal Clooney. Its hard to say what would offend Amal Clooney more: being lumped together with Kendall Jenner, or being name-called in a beauty pageant runway show that includes more than one built-in cape. Miss Iowa thoughtfully informs us that there is a period and a place for sexinesson a red carpet, sensuality is a run, but you should probably keep it in your pants when youre visiting a pediatric cancer ward. Take notes, ladies. As always, Miss America is an intoxicating cocktail of retro femininity and 21 st century womanhooda mod podge mood board of wedding gowns, contemplations on modesty, and Lady Gagas latest runway look.

Next we flash to a 9/11 tribute, in which we learn that the Miss America Competition was Americas first public event televised after the towers fell. A contestant at the time recalls praying with her fellow competitors for guidance, before ultimately deciding to go forward with the pageantry. As stock images of candles and American flags flash across the Atlantic City arena, the reigning Miss America sings a ballad and Chris Harrison frantically gestures at individual producers to pick up the pace.

Its time for the talent depict! Miss California does a tumbling routine in front of Gabby Douglas, as if the Olympian hasnt endured enough already. A tasteful sign flashings at the bottom of the screen , notifying us that Miss California was a Super Bowl cheerleader. Miss New York reps with a jazz criterion and Miss Mississippi performs a very gentile rendition of A Piece of Sky from Yentl. Miss Texas graces the stage with three batons. As she opens her legs to the heavens and twirls a stick skywards, we learn that this contestant knows pi to 25 decimal places. The producer behind these artfully selected factoids is a national gem, and possibly the funniest person I will never know.

Miss Maryland sings God Bless America, because someone had to. On a scale from Ryan Lochte in Rio to Russian Spy, how unpatriotic is it is to say that I actually disliked this performance? Miss Washington tap dances to Jennifer Lopezs Lets Get Loud, which is something that people dont do enough on prime time television. Miss Iowa performs ballet en pointe to the music of Pirates of the Caribbean, which is something that people should never do on prime time television.

The 2017 Miss America Competition sinks to the nadir of #SponCon with an Atlantic City tourism ad in which the women lip-synch to Beyoncs Formation.

Get The Beast In Your Inbox!

Daily DigestStart and finish your day with the top tales from The Daily Beast.

Cheat SheetA speedy, smart summary of all the news you need to know( and nothing you don’t ).

By clicking “Subscribe, ” you agree to have read the TermsofUse and PrivacyPolicy

Go to Homepage