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Guys, Here’s What It’s Actually Like To Be A Woman

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Written with Geoffrey Miller . This tale is an exclusive chapter excerpt from MATE: Become the Man Women Want .


You never truly understand a person until you consider things from his point of viewuntil you climb into his skin and walk around in it. — Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird


You have no fucking idea what youre doing.

Not when it is necessary to sex and dating and women, anyway. Dont beat yourself up about it though, because its not your fault. Your culture has failed you and the women youre trying to meet.

We have been working with young single humen in our capacities as educators, public figure, and authors for more than thirty years. In that time, the more common question weve gotten from guys centres around how to increase their confidence with women.

But theres a much deeper problem: At least 70 percent of their questions uncover a total failure to understand the womans point of view.

Why does this matter? As a human, it is impossible to be better at mating until you are familiar with the subjective experience of a woman, because it is fundamentally different than yours in many ways. If you can account for those changes, you will be well on your style to increased success because most men expend zero period thinking about this.

The changes start from the very beginning, at our deepest primal levels.

When a man is working with a woman, his greatest dread is sex rejection and humiliation. This causes him to expend as much period and energy( if not more) on defensive strategies to protect against rejection as he does on mating strategies designed to attract women.

Women are totally different. In these interactions, they are not much afraid of rejection. Rather, when a woman interacts with a human, she is afraid of being physically harmed or sexually assaulted.

Right now youre likely believing the same thing we did when we first learned about this when we were young men: Ive never hurt a woman in my life and never would.

And we bet youre right. You are probably perfectly safe.

But SHE doesnt know that: when she satisfies you, you could be Jack Ryan, Jack Sparrow, or Jack the Ripper. Any one of those is equally likely. Even more terrifying is the fact that, over the course of her life, the biggest threat to her is humen she knows. This is not some idle, irrelevant statistic. The overwhelming majority of women that suffer physical or sexual assault suffer it at the hands of a man they know intimately.

And their dreads dont stop at physical harm; they are just as vulnerable to social and emotional damage as well. Socially, you can spread lies about her or injury her reputation( with men and women ), sometimes just by being associated with her. You can feign you love her, get her pregnant, and then abandon her. This to be the beginning of the harms she potentially faces at your hands.

We cannot underscore this enough: Mating success necessitates cross-sex insight. You need to understand how girls evaluate your qualities and how they perceive the status, danger, possibilities, and threats that you could present. The better you learn to see these things from womens points of view, the less unattractive you will be to them and the less confused, resentful, and frustrated you will be by how they respond to you.

Were not indicating you have to become a gender psychologist or feminize your whole worldview. You are a man, and women like humen; turning into a woman would make you less attractive to( most) women.

Were telling you to simply understand women. And this is for the simple reason that understanding the female view helps you do much better with women, whatever your goalwhether its a one-night stand, a friend with benefits, a girlfriend, or a spouse. It will help you avoid and resolve arguments, saving you hours of grief. It will help you have better dates, cooler conversations, and hotter sexuality. It will help you to stop acting like a self-sabotaging dick. And it will also help your relationships with your mom, sisters, daughters, female friends, and coworkers.

To be clear: the insights in this chapter are not a collect of opinions and moralizing lessons. They are based on the best, current scientific knowledge that we have about women psychology and sexuality changes. Well also focus on women vulnerabilities, fears, and nervousness that you might not have considered before, because these are the aspects of the female experience that have long stood between men and a greater understanding ofand success withwomen.

She Is Tired of Being Objectified, So Subjectify Her Instead

Go to a sports bar in any major city or college town on game day, and invariably you will run into a crew of gorgeous young women in skin-tight, cutoff referee attires or school jerseys walking around, selling shot specials or brew buckets. This is how everything , not only alcohol, is sold to menhand tools, shampoo, Doritos, porn, autoes. All of them shamelessly use beautiful, scantily garbs women with big boobs, tight asses, and long legs as the vehicles to deliver their message. And it works.

The problem from a mating view( besides the obvious ethical ones) is that normal girls feel this objectification acutely. On the one hand, the media have established an unrealistic expectation of beauty for them to live up to, and this stimulates them insecure. On the other hand, this expectation has created in girls the notion that most guys care only about a womans boob-to-ass-to-leg ratio, which is a recipe for resentment and distrust.

Heres the thing though: when women tell, Dont objectify me, they dont mean Youre never allowed to look at my boobs or notice my butt. Actually, they kind of like their boob and butt and hope you do too, if youre a good guy and you also appreciate their other features, like their eyes or their opinions.


To attract women, you must be able to take their point of view and think of them not as marketing vehicles to objectify, but as living, guessing, feeling individual humans. You have to subjectify them: accept, understand, and acknowledge their person, subjective consciousness.

Ironically, a great way to understand a womans point of view is to think of her as a marketing customer: a savvy customer evaluating your products( traits) and ads( proofs) to see if theyll add value to her life. If you want to guarantee mating failure, all you have to do is think of her as nothing more than an inanimate objectas an 8 or a 9, as a simplistic robot with a set of triggers and hot buttons to manipulate. At that phase youve reduced your client to nothing more than a cash dispenser, or, since were talking about objectifying a woman, a sexuality dispenser.

Objectifying women isnt only a moral failing. At the strictly practical level of attracting girls, its stupid. It might temporarily reduce your anxiety about approaching them( about constructing your pitch ), because if you think of them as targets, you can try to trick yourself into thinking that they wont be judging you when you walk up to them. But they are judging youand thats OK, as long as you understand how and why.

She Is Physically Vulnerable, and She Knows It

Picture this example 😛 TAGEND

You are a young, relatively inexperienced lesbian human. Youre single, its Friday night after a long week, and youve decided to go out and have a little fun. You and some friends decide to check out a new homosexual bar that youve heard has a lot of hot guys.

When you walk in, you encounter an overwhelming ocean of men. These guys are all as tall as NBA players, as muscular as NFL linebackers, and as sexually aggressive as a offender on his first night out of jail.

They are all bigger, stronger, faster, and hornier than you. Their heads all swivel toward you, and their eyes appear you up and down like sex Terminators.

You havent even met them, but you can see the gears turning behind their eyes. Any one of them could grab you, carry you out of the bar, and put who knows what divinity knows where, and there is little you could do to stop them. Youre merely a piece of meat to them.

But theres strength in numbers, so you and your friends gather whatever sober fortitude you are able to muster and head to the bar. Soon enough, youve had a couple drinks, and some of these huge guys approach you and begin talking to you.

Some of them are truly lame and unattractive and stimulate crude, ham-fisted pass at you. Some are awkward and annoying. Some are even various kinds of angry and mean. All of these guys are very unappealing. You dont want to talk to them.

But lo and behold, some of them are actually pretty intriguing. Yes, they are still big and intimidating, but they want to buy you drinks and pay you compliments. Some of them are really interesting and fun; they do amazing things with their lives and seem to really be into you. Theyre cocky and funny. They have that sublime masculine energy that is very appealing.

How would you feel in this situation? Nervous, worried, scared, guarded, self-conscious, and vulnerable? But also flattered, desirable, and excited( recollect, youre homosexual in this exercise ).

Some of the same male traits that frighten you the most also seem to be the most attractive to you. The guys who pose the greatest physical menace are also the same guys you are able to envisage stimulating you feel the safest. The guy who seems like the most egotistical player in the bar is also the one make-up you laugh so hard that your ribs hurt. Its all a giant, swirl, pulsating contradiction.

This is the world of sexuality and dating for women.

And this is what it is like for women every day, in every social situation, with straight guys just like you.

Women are surrounded by bigger, stronger, faster all those people who likely want to have sex with them and could take it by force. This is their experience not only at bars and clubs, but at school and work, on the street, and the metro. Men stare at them, leer at them, induce petroleum pass at them, and interact with them all day every day, with sex clearly the subtext of every interactioneven the briefest, most innocuous non-mating exchanges.

Her: I would also like fries with that.

Him: Yeah, you would!

While this is just a thought experiment, the facts that underpin it are very real. For Americans over age twenty, the average human is five inches taller than the average girl( 59 vs. 54 ). Hes thirty pounds heavier( 196 pounds vs. 166 pounds ), and he carries less body fat( 18 percentage vs. 24 percent ), so hes got about twice the upper-body strength( what hed use to pick her up) and twice the grip strength( what hed use to hold her down ). An average woman is as physically vulnerable to an average guy as a big guy( 60, 190 pounds) would be to the average NFL lineman( 65, 310 pounds) which is to say, very vulnerable.

Most dating advice to guys fails at this first hurdle. Its built around the assumption that men and women think alike about sexuality, romance, and dating without even acknowledging the basic physical differences between male and female bodies and the resulting male vs. female vulnerabilities. This is totally wrong. If you can understand womens sex and physical vulnerability, dating should make a lot more sense.

For instance, if a woman seems like shes sending mixed messages, or acting hot and cold, or theres a mysterious push-me/ pull-you erotic dance going on, its not that shes being weird or manipulative( at the least, typically ). Its that shes trying to express interest from a defensive posture, and shes got a hair-trigger threat-detection system that induces her withdraw into her shell when you start pushing too hard. Maybe you really are the good guy who wont take advantage of her, but she has no way of knowing that when she first satisfies you. She has to evaluate you herself.

Think about how weird that whole situation is: to be sexually attracted to beings that could so easily do irreparable physical harm to you. Suppose about the anxiety that internal contradiction could create on a daily basis. For women who are on the more anxious and delicate side, think about the raw physical fortitude it must take only got to go and gratify humen. If she pushes when you pull, your topic shouldnt be, Why wont she have sex with me? It should be, Why would she ever set herself in a situation of sex vulnerability with any guy?

The best( and funniest) the purpose of explaining this dynamic weve ever heard comes from the famous comedian Louis C.K .:

The courage it takes for a woman to say yes[ to a date with a human] is beyond anything I can imagine. A girl telling yes to a date with a man is literally insane, and ailment advised. How do women still go out with guys, when you consider the fact that there is no greater threat to females than humen? Were the number-one threat! To women! Globally and historically, were the number-one cause of injury and mayhem to girls. Were the worst thing that ever happens to them!

And yet, here we are. Females have evolved this ambivalent arousal/ dread, love/ detest response to male size, strength, and power. If you want to be successful in modern mating, the more you understand this, the better you can deliver what women love while eradicating what they fear.

Shes Been Dealing With Creepy Douchebags for a Long Time

A woman can tell how well your life is going from how you appear, in about two seconds. Your face and body are leaking all kinds of cues about your sexual experience, self-confidence, and personalityand she can see it all in one glance. Before you approach her, shes already decided whether she wants you to talk to her, and shes already judged your mate value and your status before you toss the first lame, derpy pickup line at her. She can reek your over-practiced pick-up artists tricks from a couple miles out. Its like her superpower.

By the time youve gratified her, a normal American girl has expended years honing that superpower. She had to develop it after putting up with so much shit from lame guys making on her, catcalling, sexually harassing, and potentially even stalking her. Since puberty, when she started developing hips and breasts and pretty facial features, shes had to deal with creepers and sketchballs to some degree or the other, and shes probably pretty sick of it.

Its hard for guys to appreciate what it would be like to grow up being stared at and sexually harassed every day of their own lives from age twelve onward. So instead, what you need to realize is that all this sex attention a woman gets sows in her a anxiety of raw physical violencereactive assaultthat could be sparked if she ignores your come-ons, rejects you in a way you find demeaning, or dates you for six months before finding out youre a paranoid, jealous control freak.

Thats the female reality of living in sexual anxiety. Shes afraid of creeps, weirdo, crazies, losers, and stalkers. And believe us when we say that, from her perspective, they make up a high proportion of menespecially the ones likely to hit on her in inappropriate ways, places, and periods. Psychological and environmental factors explain much of this perspective.


The psychological research, for example, shows that, from a womans point of view, most guys she satisfies will be less kind, less agreeable, less empathic, less conscientious, less reliable, less cleanless everything reallythan she and her friends are. Even if she accepts those sex changes, she still has to wrangling given the fact that many mental illnesses and personality disorders are more common among humen( the more dangerous ones no less ). These male-dominated ailments include alcoholism, drug addiction, autism, schizophrenia, narcissism, white-collar sociopathy, and criminal psychopathy. All of which induce each random encounter with a human less likely to end in love and more likely to end with a fight-or-flight response.

Most guys reading this right now are likely sitting there thinking, WTF, Ive never done any of that creepy shit. Dont lump me in with those assholes. And we agree. Most of you guys are solid dudes. Youre merely suffering for the actions of the highly nonrandom sample of guys who hit on every woman in sight. Thats why its so important to understand the world from a womans perspective.

Think about women experiences with guys like a city policemen experience with people in general. Cops expend 90 percent of their hour dealing with the scummiest 5 percent of humanity. The ones whove been around a while often develop a cynical, negative, and fatalist view of humans, based on the totality of their bitter experiences. Its not that humans are all bad. Its that cops find only the worst.

Likewise, females expend a big proportion of their time in the mating marketplace avoiding the smaller percentage of guys who are the most intrusive, obnoxious, or insane. Psychopaths are sexually predatory, uninhibited, and confident, so although theyre only 4 percent of the American male population, they might account for 40 percent of the men who have hit on any given woman. Guys with Aspergers are another factor; although theyre often introverted( and so least likely to approach a woman ), if they do approach, theyre bad at reading nonverbal cues of disinterest or rejection, so theyre more likely to persist beyond a womans comfort zone. There are almost too many other types of men who do things girls find repulsive to name them all.

Simply set, her experience is that the worst guys go straight-out at her while the best guys are nowhere to be seen.

Shes Likely Just Not That Into You, and You Require to Be O.K. With That

The median guy observes the average woman at least somewhat sexually attractive. Guess about it. The next time youre walking down the street or hanging out in a mall or student union, ask yourself severely, What percent of these women would I be willing to have sex with right now, if it was safe, easy, consensual, and no strings attached?

If youre like most young guys, the answer would be well over 70 percenteven including the mommies and older females. For some of you freaks, especially including them.

By contrast, the average woman discovers the average human sexually invisible, neutral, disgusting, or repulsive. Merely a tiny percentage of guys inspire immediate lust in girls. And most of those guys have already moved to New York or LA to become actors or models. If you are over eighteen and havent done that, youre not one of those guys.

This is a huge sex difference in initial choosiness, documented in both scientific research and online dating data, that plays out in every domain of sexuality and dating.( Of course, if a relationship develops between a man and woman, he gets a lot choosier about whether to date her exclusively, move in with her, or wed herbut thats a discussion for another time. All you need to know at this point is that females are choosier about who they have sex with; men are choosier about whom they commit to .) Guys have sexual fantasies about almost all the women they know, whereas girls have fictions about almost no men. She doesnt have as many sexual fictions per month as you do, she doesnt masturbate nearly as much, and sex is usually more in the background of her consciousness than the foreground.

Another reason shes not attracted to most men is that she thinks their attires are stupid and their clothes dont fit. Because they are and they dont. Shes right. She also knows what your body would look like naked, and she likely thinks youre either a lazy loser( out of shape) or a narcissistic gym rat( in too-good shape ). None of this should be particularly surprising or contentious. She likes what she likes, and, statistically, the chances are youre not it.

Where it gets problematic is when you dont get the picture and she has to tell you, because women dont like having to repudiate humen explicitly. There is a deep evolutionary logic to this preference, and it has a lot to do with minimizing the very real risks they face from publicly humiliating their suitors. It was almost always better for an ancestral woman to maintain a guy within her social orbit as a possible nonsexual friend rather than alienate or upset him. Women arent being ambiguous and mysterious and elusive because theyre playing games or fucking with your head. Theyre just instinctively trying to reduce the risk of eliciting harassment or stalking or violent retaliation.

Heres how women tell you they arent into you: their first line of defense is simply to play it cool, professional, and neutral. They keep their physical and psychological distance, minimise contact and chatter, and eliminate any signs of affection or interest that could be misunderstood as sexual.

If that doesnt run, they might escalate the subtle rejection vibes by acting in a way that naive young men interpret as cold or stuck up or bitchy. This vibe is not cruelit signals that you failed to appreciate their earlier cues of disinterest, and theyve reluctantly had to making such a disinterest even more obvious to get it through your thick head that they do not wish to fuck you. If females wanted to be cruel when they repudiated you, they would ask their friends to cut your belly open with sharp flints and pull your intestines out for the wild hyenas to eator whatever the equally painful equivalent on Facebook would be.

Women “ve tried to” do the best they can to repudiate you without humbling you. The most experienced and confident “they il be”, the better they are at rejecting you patently enough that you go away but not so obviously that youre ashamed in front of your friends and other women. But its not their responsibility to reject you in the way that would be least costly to you; its the main responsibilities to take the clue as best you can and go away.

She Already Knows Shes Pretty, and Shes Still Self-Conscious

If you gratify a woman who strikes you as beautiful, youre probably not the first guy to notification. In attractiveness research, humen show very high agreement in their ratings of womens faces and bodies. This means that as long as she has been objectively beautiful she has been admired, hit on, masturbated to, and harassed by guys from ages sixteen to sixty, including many of her classmates, teachers, peers, coach-and-fours, coworkers, and bossesnot to mention total strangers, pickup artists, and alleged talent scouts for modeling agencies. Many of the guys who hit on her were nasty sociopaths, because the nice guys saw her too intimidating. And enough females have found her threatening that shes had trouble keeping more than a few close friends. Her beauty has already been both a bles and a curse for years before you ever laid eyes on her.

This is one reason why its pointless, and often counterproductive, to go up and compliment beautiful women on their beauty. Tell her something she doesnt already know and hasnt just heard from hundreds of thousands of guys. Better yet, dont tell her anything. Ask her about their own interests, ambitions, friends, backgroundanything that requires some social intelligence to appreciate behind her hot girl persona. Just talk to her like you already understand that( a) shes beautiful, and you both is well aware,( b) shes felt ambivalent about her beauty for years, and( c) shed like to be appreciated for things shes achieved in her life through her own efforts , not through winning the genetic lottery of physical attractiveness.

Yet here is the great irony about female beauty: shes still very self-conscious about her face and her body and her clothes and her accessories. Frankly, she doesnt actually understand why youre attracted to her. This holds true even for a very good-looking female, because she compares herself to the worlds most beautiful models and actresses, air-brushed to perfection, staring her down from the encompas of every women publication and billboard. She doesnt typically consider what men actually find attractive or she misunderstands it completely.

Most females think that humen are most attracted to the rail-thin models or skinny actresses that grace the covers of the publications they purchase. Theyre wrong. Studies show that most men are attracted to women with curves and meat on their bones; the high-fertility hourglass shapes( like Kim Kardashian, Sofia Vergara, or Halle Berry ), not low-fertility apple shapes or no-fertility chopstick shapes. Also, guys prefer women who are physically healthy and capable, with strong muscles, bones, connective tissues, and immune systems, since this predicts being a sexually energetic girlfriend; a capable, protective mom; and a long-lived partner.( Think Jennifer Lawrence, Jessica Biel, Rhona Mitra, or Jennifer Garner) Men want only the right amount of fat, in the right places, on a strong, healthy frame.

Unfortunately, most women think the male notion of beauty is binary: fat( bad) or thin( good ). So they diet utilizing bad health advisory opinions and spotty willpower to strive for the supermodel timber shape, and they lose both their cues of fertility( boobs and butt) and their cues of ability( muscle ), undermining their attractiveness.

Remember, she didnt evolve to be attracted to women or their feminine traits, so shes sort of mystified that you could find her sexually desirable in the first place. It simply doesnt make sense to her. Theres a part of her that was incredulous during puberty when boys were starting to notification her, and that part is still there. Shes got a bit of impostor syndrome about her own erotic power.

This self-consciousness extends to nearly every aspect of her appearance, including many regions of her body and most of what she wears. Women put a lot of guessed into their appearance. Everything they wear and showing is likely a conscious option. Every choice is a statementbut not every statement succeeds. Yet often, females cant tell if theyve struck the right balance between formal and casual, tight and loose, sexy and slutty, classical and avant-garde, earnest and ironic. Are they projecting sexy vamp or meth-head incarcerate bait? Are they projecting sophisticated Brooklyn hipster or Jersey Real Housewife?

The problem is that they almost never get accurate feedback about what image theyre projecting. Her friends are too polite to tell her the truth one style or the other, and guys are too horny to tell the difference. Most guys are oblivious to clothe altogether, let alone the specific, conscious selections that women induce. When it comes to what we wear, most of us only throw on whatevers clean.

The fact that most guys cant tell the difference between haute couture and Juicy Couture( or the respective differences in effort and savor) merely amplifies her self-consciousness. And if you want to turn her self-consciousness up to 11, be the guy who cant seem to pick up on her signs of interest in you either. That one is a killer for any young woman who has put herself out there. If a womans truly interested in you, she will go out of her style to be around you and to be visible and available for you to approach. If youre oblivious enough not to get those signals, she may even have the gumption to wave at you or ask her friend to say hi. Sadly, if youre younger than twenty and/ or have had sexuality with fewer than four women, youll probably overlook or misinterpret all of those female option cues. Pay more attention next time.

She Is Worried About Her Social Status, and Youre a Big Part of That

Just like males compete against other males for resources that matter to males, females vie against other females for resources that matter to them. Typically, female-female competition in other animals is more about food, province, or other resources required to reproduce.

But if youre in a competitive mating marketplace with a limited number of attractive, desirable males that all the women want, then women are going to compete against each other to get and maintain those males. And they are going to use any tactics that workseduction, manipulation, rumor, physical violence, verbal violenceanything that works to get those guys and make them stick around.

Science has started to delve into female-female rivalry in a serious way merely in the last five years or so, and we still dont understand its intricacies very well. For instance, it might seem weird to humen that female-female rivalry would ever involve something as arbitrary as the specific brands of high-heeled shoes or handbags that girls wear and carry.

But think about guys bragging about which micro-brewed beer they like, which concealed-carry pistol they favor, or which car they drive. The red soles of Christian Louboutin heels and the stitching on Celine handbags dont build that much difference to their functionbut the same is true for the nuances of the Congress Street IPA, the Springfield XDs, and the Maserati Quattroporte. Both sexualities are suckers for status-seeking through consumerism.

Guys know that some of our male-male rivalry tactics are stupid and ridiculous. Same with women. If youre smart enough to be reading this, then the women who are smart enough to be good mates for you already understand most of the absurdities of female-female competition. Theyre just as disgusted by stupid females as you are by stupid men. But just as you seek social approving from guys you dont really respect, women seek social acceptance from women they dont truly respectand theyre often appalled that they instinctively care so much about it.

This is where the similarities objective, however. Women face much different social vulnerabilities. On average, theyre less anxious than humen about being bad at athletics, opposing, or making money. But they fret a lot more about their sexual reputations among their acquaintances, coworkers, family, and neighbors. Specifically, they fret about the existential reputational threat posed by slut-shaming in modern society.

Women are vicious to each other about slut-shaming. A womans entire social life could be ruined by one mean sexual rumor that has been perpetuated through social media by people who scarcely well known. By the time a woman is out of college, shes had years of hearing females rag on other women( in their class, in their dorm, in their sorority, at the performance of their duties) for being sluts and prostitutes. Imagine the nervousnes that comes with an ill-timed one-night stand or an indiscreet friend with benefits. It can be paralyzing for some women.

As a guy or even only a functional is part of society, its important to realize that female slut-shaming isnt the product of some deep self-loathing or in-group hatred. Rather, it is as prevalent as it is because a promiscuous rival is a womans biggest threat to maintaining a good boyfriend. Sluts arent derogated because women are uncomfortable with their sexuality; its because theyre experts at mate poaching, which is a very real menace to most women. So when women are thinking about short-term mating with you, theyre also thinking, Who at school or work might find out about this? and How will I feel about this when Im Skyping with my mommy afterward this week?

Female promiscuity also has a tragedy of the commons impact in the mating marketplace. If one woman offers blowjobs on the second date, its harder for other women to keep them in reserve until the fourth date as their special treat. This generates a downward spiral of young lady feeling like they have to offer more and more sexuality to more and more guys simply to stay in the mating game. Thus, slut-shaming is a way of enforcing a more restraint sex norm on other women so that not all women have to become more promiscuous than any of them would like.

The slut-shaming then ooze down into a womans emotional matrix, where it can fester and undermine her self-respect. Thats why girls typically do not feel great about themselves the morning after a one-night stand unless they have a lot of self-confidence and sex experience. Theres a reason they call the journey home the morning after a hookup the stroll of shame.

Given the risk of slut-shaming, a typical female strategy is to pursue short-term mating quietly, with a lot of plausible deniability, adaptive self-deception, and circumstantial rationalization. Any credible excuse for casual sex can reduce the slut-shaming riskIt was my birthday, I was drunk, It was spring violate, It was Jamaica, after all, Ive always admired his writing.

These special-circumstance rationales help women generate plausible deniability to other women that any given short-term sex was not representative of their usual longer-term mating strategy. Even the euphemisms that females use for sexuality( hanging out, hooking up, partying, dating, going out together) assist obscure the key issue of whether intercourse actually happened.

Understanding all this is especially important if you gratify a woman whos with her friends. She knows they are watching and judging. If you talk to her for a few minutes and shes charmed, maybe shell want to leave immediately to go have sex with you. Weirder things have happened. But she probably wont do that, because she knows she will be accountable to her friends the next time they meet. They will ask about what happened. Shell have to come up with a tale about why fucking a guy within an hour of meeting him should not undermine her sex reputation.

So guys in that situation should not try to steal a woman away from her friends as soon as possible. Instead, just get her number so you can text her about getting together later, in private. That way, she can induce her best judgement about whether to tell her friends anything about the night, and shes much better protected against the long-term effects of slut-shaming.

Her reputational fears dont simply end with whether or not she had sex with you. If she starts dating you, that too will affect her status within her peer group, either positively or negatively. She can already foresee how that will play out. Partly it depends on your qualities as a guy. Are you such an awesome guy that shell get an immediate status boost from you having opted her? Or are you such an embarrassing mess that shell suffer a status lossat least until she fixes you up and stimulates you presentable? Her friends will also judge her based on how you treat her. Are you sexually exploiting and emotionally forgetting her like that creep last year? That lowers her status. Or are you taking care of her like a potential Mr. Right would? That raises her status.

You can do everyone a huge favor before you even get to this stage by making an effort in that initial moment of contact to charm her friendseven the grumpy onesso that they think youre a cool, funny guy and give you the benefit of the doubt from the jump.

This is as much for you and her as it is for her friends, who face a harder task in evaluating you than she does. You were an unknown quantity after all, an uncertain wager. They need time to appreciate your strengths and accept your imperfections. But while their jury is still out, your new girlfriend will suffer a temporary loss of status. Attaining a good impression right away speeds up their deliberation.

Shes Terrified of Pregnancy, Abandonment and STDs

Pregnancy has been the most fundamental sex difference in mammals for more than seventy million years. Women get pregnant, humen dont. Most of the sexuality differences in human mating strategies emerge, directly or indirectly, from that basic fact.

Its a complicated issue for young lady. In the long term, pregnancy with a great husband is one of most womens greatest aspirationsit can be a true bles. But in the short term, unwanted pregnancy is one of their biggest anxieties. Get knocked up can be a career-wrecking, family-shaming, mate-value-decreasing disaster, even if the newborn daddy has great genes and promises to be there when the shitty nappies made the fan.

We know from anthropological surveys of hunter-gatherer societies that if a guy abandons a woman or he has a hunting collision and gets killed, the likelihood of her baby surviving drops alarmingly. Its a potentially huge expense, and its why women have evolved a pretty good radar for detecting unreliable flakes.

Being stuck with a little child also seriously lowers a womans attractiveness to future humen. Whatever her mate value was before the newborn, its going to drop-off afterwards. Very few guys want to become a step-dad, and women understand this. Their instinctive worry about unwanted pregnancy is often stronger than their conscious trust in birth control. Female mammals have been getting pregnant since before the dinosaurs ran extinct. Reliable rubber condoms werent invented until 1855. The Pill arrived merely in 1960 thats simply two generations of reliable female birth control. Thats not enough time for evolution to have re-calibrated women mate predilections to this new reality that they could, in theory, have lots of casual short-term sexuality without getting pregnant.

Lets tell a woman get through high school, college, and young adulthood unscathed on the pregnancy front. She still has to worry about the armada of sexually transmitted diseases( STDs) sailing toward her aboard your dirty penis. Or at the least thats whats “re going through” her mind, unconsciously.

For STDs like gonorrhea, genital herpes, or HPV, its much easier for the viruses or bacteria to run from your penis to her vagina than vice versa. Even if you always use condoms, theres still a danger of breakage, slippage, or incomplete coverage( if you have warts or sores near the base of your dick ). When a guy gets an STD, its usually a temporary inconvenience. When a woman gets one, it can often lead to infertility, or it can infect the baby during birth. The STD stakes are simply higher for women. This is one reason why girls evolved a stronger inclination for sexual abhorrence toward anything that tends to promote the spread of STDs: promiscuity, group sex, anal sexuality, whatever. If a sexual activity has a high STD risk but doesnt bring her much pleasure, build an emotional connection with the guy, or be used to help pass along good genes to future babies, why would she do it?

You could be the nicest guy in the world with everything going for you, but if you roll up to a woman trying to run game appearing or smelling like you only climbed out from the bottom of a third-world public toilet, these are some of the fears that may be driving her to keep her distance. In fact, she cares more about how you smell than you can imagine. Its a mammalian thingpheromones are real. And so is poor hygiene. Some females will decide theyre interested in hooking up with a guy merely from his online dating profile, and the live, in-person date is basically to see if he reeks as good chemically as he looked digitally.

She Is Just as Frustrated by Dating as You Are

Even apart from womens physical vulnerabilities, sexual-reputation nervousness, and practical physical needs, womens intellects evolved to be different from humen minds. They evolved to want different things at different times.

As a man, its easy to envy womens sex power if youre ignorant of their romantic desires. You might suppose, like the seduction pushers in the PUA community often do, that if you were an attractive woman, you could sleep with any guy you wanted, get laid every weekend, and it would be awesome. And you could. But you wouldnt loved it. Because thats not what girls evolved to wantthat behavior did not serve their evolutionary interests.

In fact, this might be hard for you to believe, but its true: it is much harder for a highly attractive woman to get what she wants, sexually and romantically, than it is for a highly attractive man.

Yes, every beautiful, bright woman knows she could seduce almost any human for a quick fuck. But that is rarely what she wants. She usually wants a boyfriend, at least. And her experience, if she is single, is that she has failed, over and over and over, to get the guys she truly respects and admires, the great catches, the Mr. Rights, to stay with her as long as she wants.

This is due in no small portion to her struggle to understand her own taste in humen. There are some guys she thinks she should logically be attracted to but isnt, while there are other guys she knows she should stay away from but she cant.This internal conflict is more pronounced in younger women than older, more experienced girls; but it never fully going on around here, and it only stimulates dating that much more frustrating.

Shes also frustrated by the dating scene because day is running out. Most young women want it alleducation, career, money, status, love, marriage, kids, meaning, and purpose. But they cant see how all that could plausibly happen by age 40 when fertility plummets. Do the age-math. If the average American woman is about to graduate college( typically around age 24 ), she might think about being a doctorbut thats another four years for an M.D.( until age 28 ), and 6 years of exhausting residency( age 34) before she can even start constructing her independent practise, which can take years. By the time most bright females are in their late 20 s, theyve realized that the clock is ticking for both their career schemes and their family plans and that the two are not going to fit together very well. Shes going to be looking for a guy who can help her manage these heartbreaking trade-offs.

Thats why, if your early-stage relationship is going welleven just the first hour of chattingshe might want to have sex with you very soon. And if its not going well, she probably wont have sex with you evereven if youre an otherwise attractive guy. If you dont is understood that even the very first hour of talking with her constitutes a type of relationship that needs some level of reciprocal respect and nurturance, she will especially not have sex with you.

If she does decide to have sex with you though, what she is most concerned about is not whether you are able to transgress the bed, but whether youll transgres her heart. Women naturally fall for guys theyve had several orgasms with. The oxytocin magical runs reliably. This induces them emotionally vulnerable. The better the sex and the more they like you, the faster it happens.

So will you fuck her for one night and never call her again? That hurts for a week( or longer, if she really liked you ). Will you hook up for three months until she falls in love with you, then evaporate for no obvious reason? That they are able to hurt her for a year( or longer ).

All of this makes the dating scene incredibly frustrating for women. Understand that and youll understand why women arent bending over backward to fulfill your unquenchable sexual thirst.

She Has Sexual Fantasies Just like You Do, Except She Gets a Bunch of Shit for Hers

Men have telephone sexuality; females talk dirty. Men are bad boys; females are dirty daughters. Most females have that naughty, dirty side that drives many of their sex fantasies. Most of those fantasies arent literally bad and dirty, however. Women dont fantasize about being sexually assaulted by bridge trolls on top of floating garbage skiffs. But they do fantasize about being sexually predominated and controlled by handsome, caring, and capable all those people who operate secretly on the periphery of acceptable society. The Fifty Shades series has sold more than 100 million transcripts for a reason.

What is a modern woman to induce of this part of her sexual-emotional circuitry? Shell likely buried it deep in her private bedroom habits and worry that if she ever disclosed it to a guy, hed be such a reductive moron that he would think she wants to be dominated and controlled all the time, in every aspect of their own lives. Or worse, he might take it as license to unleash the really fucked up shit hes wanted to try.

It doesnt seem fair( arent all fictions created equal ?), but current realities is that females are more prone to sexual abhorrence than guys are, and the average guy wants the average woman to do stuff that shed find at least reasonably grossanal, bondage, threesomes, and more.

Shes unsure how to be considered this. If she holds her ground and only does what shes comfortable with, will a good boyfriend abandon her for some kinky skank? Shes also vaguely aware that her father would want to kill you for whatever you want to do to her body, and his judgment hovers over her bedroom like the Eye of Sauron. Even if shes sexually open to some of the weird shit that you want, shes not confident that she can do it right. The sex abilities they require are baffling and intimidating to her, and cultivating them would increase her risk of being slut-shamed from certain corners of her life.

And simply to add insult to injury, she knows she likely wont reach orgasm the first few days she sleeps with you. When you have sex with a new woman and youre under about age 60, you can be pretty confident that youll enjoy the experience and be able to come. For guys, sexuality is reliably pleasant. But for women with a new guy, she wont feel safe and relaxed enough, or she wont be attracted enough to him yet, or he wont know her body well enough. Especially in one-night stands, most women dont climax with most men. They might still have a wonderful timewomen can enjoy non-orgasmic sex a lot more than you realize, especially if youre really into them. But she usually wont reaching that world-melting, mind-blowing orgasm that she might be craving.

Also, she resents your putting pressure on her to orgasm. She knows you want her to arrive, and she knows that to you its some weird test of your sex skills and gentlemanly altruism. But, candidly, if she just wanted to come, shed have stayed home with a bottle of white wine, Fifty Shades of Grey, and her vibrator. If shes with you, its because she wants more than just an orgasm. She wants a sexual connect. She wants to feel sexually desired. And she wants you to have a great time so youll call her again. And often, the best way for you to give her all that is to simply enjoy the hell out of her, without worrying too much about whether she comes. By all means, be great at foreplaybut do it because you love it , not like youre warming up a car engine on a cold morning.

Practice Perspective-Taking

You should now have a much better comprehend on the issues females deal with on a day-to-day, hour-to-hour, week-to-week basis. Uncertainty about and threats to their physical, emotional, and social security surround them. You get that at a general level. But what about at the specific, individual female level? How do you grow your insights into her point of view? How do you subjectify her? You do it by practicing perspective-taking.

Next time youre in class or sitting in a Starbucks, pick out a woman in the crowd( a fairly classmate, a customer, the barista ), and for a few minutes imagine yourself in her scalp in the most nonSilence of the Lambs way possible. Then ask yourself topics like these 😛 TAGEND What is something unique to her life and central to her identity that is impossible for me to know simply by looking at her? Who are the potential threats around her in this place right now? What does she think about all the guys in here? What is the likelihood she thinks Im among the most attractive guys here? What parts of her body is she most disconcerted about and most proud of? Why did she choose to wear those specific clothes and accessories today? Who are her friends, and which ones would be most judgmental if she had casual sex? How does that impact her behavior and options? If she got pregnant tomorrow, what would she do? What kind of men does she date, and do they sexually fulfilled her? Are any of them here right now?

You wont necessarily guess the answers, and you should never come near and ask her if your guesses are correctunless you want to know what a restraining order looks like. This is just a thought experiment for you to practice, to put your attention on a womans mind before you ever approach her so that are able to understand her a bit better.

Women are pulling their weight in trying to understand you. They subscribe to womens publications that devote thousands of words a month to trying to get inside your head.( Sadly, those magazines suck .) They chat with their female friends about what men might be thinking or feeling and what a human entailed by this particular sentence or that particular action. They even become psych majors. If you can meet them halfway, youre going to do great.

This post originally appeared on The Observer and is excerpted from Mate: Become the Man Women Want.

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