Are You The One Season Finale Recap: Component 1, Because MTV Dislikes Us
Jambo! Well, its eventually here. The day my liver had been counting down tothe last week of the show that gives median appearing stars an unlikely chance at love, very moderate insta-fame and the guarantee of never, ever get a full time job.
Its been a bumpy-ass ride this season, filled with overly sensitive grown-ass men and lots of references to astrology/ third eye/ other Madam Zeroni shit. I for one am so happy to get this load of crap over with.
Lets begin where we left off last weekthe fucking blackout, which seems to be the castings favorite wordthey do it when they fuck someone( Cam) and when they have a shit ton of money on the line.
So everyone is basically freaking the fuck out at this phase. Asaf has left the building speaking everything but English, Victoria is literally hollering at a frequency that merely puppies can hear, Julias now realizing she has no reason to like Stephen anymore and Mikala is like YOU HAD ONE JOB.
Its a mess, to which I say 😛 TAGEND
Franny and Victoria are like fuck, what if we dont win? Like this thought has just now occurred to them. Victorias like what if we come back with no money , no boyfriend and 20 pounds heavier !!! Is Janis Ian running this whole show?
This is the inspiration of this reveal/ takedown 😛 TAGEND
Franny is like we just lost $250,000 !!!! Wait, what is a million minus $ 250,000? Is butter a carb?
Julia starts crying and while Stephen tells her that theyll stay together but like find other matches. Psh whatever. Fucking spare me. If these two last longer than 6 minutes of the plane from Maui, I will be legit shocked.
This week, its sons vs. girls in a battle of the brains. Fuck, this is going to be painful* sips wine *.
Ryan will ask a true or false question, whoever gets it right gets a game piece. If they get it incorrect, the other team gets a game piece. The pieces have to be stacked 4 in row and all have pictures on the other side. The two pictures on the ends of the connect 4 will show the two people who get to go on dates.
Julia is like and Francesca is still counting out how much money they will win on her fingers.
The questions are pretty basic dating questions, but of course everyone struggles with them because this is a show for people who can scarcely tie their damn shoes, let alone figure out the world of dating.
The sons get the first two pieces, and the girls get 2 as well. The girls end up get another piece because Gio is a fucking moron. The girls need to win this game because if Paulette taught us anything its that men are big fat retards and shes taking the dog, dumbass!( Sam, I know you know that quote !)
Victoria proves she is actually worthy of going to the law school she is attending and gets the question right, winning the game for the girls.
THE WORLD TO VICTORIA: Law school is for people who are boring and ugly and serious. And you, button, are none of those things.
Bagel and Franny win and pick Prosper and Asaf, respectively. So okay, this really is two strong couples. Way to not entirely fuck this shit up.
Asaf is telling Franny about their future sons name and shes still like $800,379$ 800,378. Someone get this bitch a calculator.
Toris like who are we voting into the truth booth? Cams like Prosper is the only guy who builds Bagel less of an unbearable bitch! And Bagel is like,
Kaylen still believes that Franny and Gio are a match because shes a little girl. Whatever the fuck that entails. Either style, I agree with themFranny and Asaf are def not a match.
Kaylen and Tyler are getting fucked up off wine. Candidly, same. Kaylen wants to give Tyler a chance because the clock is ticking and shes trying to win some fucking money, duh. They literally have zero chemistry, but like who needs that in a game based on love, right?
Gio challenges Tori to a rap combat and shes like Gio starts with some angry poetry, gaining inspiration from the hacky-sack spoken word lyric from Shes All That and mommies spaghetti.
GIO : All you sucker MCs aint got nothing on me, from my seems to my terms you cant touch Kevin G
Gio references in his rap and Prospers over there just like #StopWhitePeople2016. Its a trainwreck from Gio. But hey, if being homeless doesnt work up, you can always audition for season 35 of with Nick Cannon.
Toris up next and gets all the girls involvedbasically calling him a pussy and saying hes exclaiming out of his third eye. Everyone concurs, Gio just got his ass whooped by a white daughter and he instantly hurls a fit of rage.
Gios like WOW HOW DARE THEY !!! THEY KICK ME WHILE IM DOWN !!!! First of all, welcome to my recaps. I literally get paid to kicks you while youre down. Also you can dish it but you cant take it? Boy, bye.
Gio starts punching shit and Francesca is defending him. Shes like the other girls are so mean! Its very clear to me Franny was never in a sorority because trust me, this shit looks like a playground opposed compared to that shit.
Gios just like hemorrhaging and ranting more than a girl on her period while Kaylen is like he fucked me, so fuck him! Honey no, the saying is he fucked me, so Ill fuck his friends. Youre welcome.
The group goes on water motorcycles, which sounds like my fucking nightmare. Bagels instantly like hey this is my fucking nightmare and Prospers dick is so hard listening to her whine like that.
Franny and Asaf are talking and shes like Remember when you friendzoned me and then I had no self-respect and fucked you while you were with another daughter? Ugh youre so lucky. Asaf has little greencards in his eyes and is like YOURE RIGHT, MAYBE I NEED SOMEONE LIKE YOU.
Julia and Stephen are still the stars of this reveal( why ?) and Ryans like so are you going to try and branch out and watch other people? and theyre like its gonna be a no from me. Everyone either is rolling their eyes or fighting the advise to punch them both in the face. John is doing both.
Nicegirl Nicole is like Stephen cant you get to know other peoplelike me?* whisperings* I love you. Stephen is flips his glasses down and is like, deal with it.
The group sends Emma and Prosper into the truth booth, while Asaf and Franny are like ???
ASAF : I very sad
FRANNY : 763,800.763, 799.
Prosper is hoping hes a match with Bagel because he has the most fun with her. And Bagels like. Okay captain feminism, Im gonna need you to chill the fuck out for a second. Prospers like,
Everyone concurs, they REALLY require this TB to work out. Because they have really low morale rn and there simply isnt enough alcohol to drink away the hurt of losing this game.
But hey, BAGEL AND PROSPER ARE A MATCH. WOW, INCREDIBLE. What a time to be alive. Bagel has finally gone over to the dark side. Next match ceremony, shes going to have to be wheeled into the building.
Bagel and Prosper are arguing after taking about 3 steps outside of the truth booth. Well you had a good run, kids. This has a 0% chance of lasting.
They pop inexpensive Champagne because this is MTV , not Bravo. Tylers talking about how he isnt into any of these bitches and its like, lol none of these bitches are into you either, so youre good.
However, Kaylen comes in like Ace Ventura and is likeShe starts tackling Tyler who is like, still so irrelevant, and Prosper is like hes drunk, leave him alone.
Shes like Prosper, youre not God! which has nothing to do with anything. Like when did God/ Morgan Freeman come into this? And Prospers like I know Im not God bitch, Im Prosper. LOL, which is like, a close second, amiright?
Kaylens like did you merely call me a bitch? and they start get into each others faces, while Bagels tightening her chastity belt in the corner.
Then Gio decides to join in on the most aggressive possible threesome ever. Prospers like and Gios like Prosper hurls Gio to the side, basically trying to get him to stop trying to beat up a woman.
Kaylen is screaming and Nicegirl Nicole is holding her back and sobbing. Camille is sobbing. Bagels emotionless, but I assume exclaiming on the inside. Its a fucking mess. Much like a drama-fueled phoenix, I have become reborn in this moment of chaos.
Later on, the team is speak strategy and telling Franny that shes probably Gios match. Franny, per usual, is very confused. Bless her stupid little soul.
Tori thinks they can win it all tonight and its like, LOL I remember my first reality reveal. Dream big, you wannabe Iggy.
We return to the place that anally fucked the cast last week: the matchup ceremony. Ive refilled my glass and I am ready to fucking gooooo.
Camille pickings Tyler because they could be besties which is like went on to say that Cam could become an Olympic gymnast. A for attempt though.
John and Victoria pick each other because they detest everyone else and dont give a fuck. Im rooting for you two crazy kids.
Kaylen is wearing a bralette and a fucking sweatshirt to the match ceremony, which should honestly upset the cast style more than that stupid fight.
Kaylens like I got shit to say! and Im like FUCK YA YOU DO. Im bracing myself for WWIII or like, WrestleMania( that was for you, Brandon Dassey ). But instead, Kaylen apologizes. The fuck is this?
ME: * sadly beverages wine*
She says sorry to Prosper, who apologies as well, secretly hoping that Bagel will now let him into her secret garden. Kaylen also apologies to Gio and says she needs to work on her indignation, ego and pride. So basically everything about her. I have love for Kaylen though( please dont kill me ).
Gios like k. and Ryans like Gio has nothing to be sorry for apparently. Gio is like my actions speak loud and everyone is like
Kaylen pickings Stephen which is like , not a thing. Ever.
Nicegirl Nicole pickings Cam, which could be a match. Though, Nicegirl looks like she fucking reads nursery rhymes to pet chickens and is a member of PETA, while Cam probably has NRA tattooed on his heart.
Julia pickings Morgan, the Donald Trump poster boy.
Franny pickings Gio, because everybody tells her to and her brain can only do some many things at once.
That leaves Tori with Asaf, who has already proven not to be her match, thank fuck for that. AKA its a guaranteed no win. Hate to say I told you so, but.
At least they dont get a blackout this time. Thats like, promising. They get 6 rays, with one week left. Now onto hour# 2. Fuck me, right?
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