Of all the things that take a violent pounding in specific actions movie , nothing absorbs more abuse than the buildings and structures where the events take place. Have you ever wondered what happens to those builds after the movie ends? Conventional wisdom would dictate that they remain destroyed forever, but we only believe that because we stop thinking about them altogether. In real life , no matter what their post-credits state is a possibility, chances are some enterprising real estate mogul would swoop in and try to turn all that extermination into an opportunity to make a little extra cash. Here’s what the listings for a few famously battered movie properties would probably look like …
# 5. Up
Adorable two-story craftsman home with panoramic South American jungle opinions will leave you and your family breathless. Expect mild altitude sickness without oxygen mask. Inaccessible by car or foot, but generous landing space for helicopter, hot air balloon, or dirigible.
Built by hand in the 1940 s, this quirky property requires slight repairs. Plumbing destroyed during prior tenant, who uprooted the entire foundation with a delightful DIY balloon-powered apparatus in lieu of jackscrews. Some now-petrified human trash is in need of removal.
We recommend hovering the house above a abys to relieve oneself over the edge .
Adventure awaits the natural outdoorsman. Hiking and rock-climbing opportunities are endless, rare wildlife roams freely through the secluded household, and the feral puppies eking out a desperate existence on your alluringly stark, bumpy, and popped-balloon-strewn front lawn will be happy to converse with you about their desperate struggle for survival after their former master abandoned them. But don’t worry about troublesome neighbours — the community’s only remaining occupant departed suddenly after forming a lifetime of memories in Paradise Falls.
Property is partly rendered. Two chairs, ottoman, and gramophone, along with assorted dishes, scene frames, and other miscellany, with some cyclone injury but still suitable for use. No nursery. Purchase all required supplyings before relocating, as the nearest Home Depot and Babies”R”Us are over 3,000 feet down and several hundred miles away.
# 4. Ghostbusters
Luxurious one bed/ one bath/ one intermittent interdimensional gateway apartment is available in the heart of Manhattan. Spectacular Central Park opinions abound from this gem’s gaping yet structurally sound full-wall “bay windows, ” which were blown out by a paranormal phenomenon that briefly captivated the entire city earlier this year. Security deposit required.
Put aside any safety concerns and breathe easy. The charring on the walls lining this historical property was caused not by an electrical flame but rather an otherworldly terror who goes by many names and titles, the only one that need fear you being “The Recently Evicted.” A neutral color will be applied over black stains prior to move-in date.
Now you’ve got no excuse to not try hang-gliding .
Admire the richly textured, classic Rococo-inspired interior architecture through the heaping chunks of burned sugar fluff that add a fun, post-modern spin. It’s harmless, whimsical, and perfectly edible marshmallow that we are required to disclose was technically once the guts of a living, breathing, 100 -foot-tall food mascot. This Guinness World Records-certified miracle of life exploded all over a build that’s so sturdy it scarcely felt the fiery proton detonation. That detail may turn away less adventurous renters, but we insure a natural conversation piece and a chance to own a bit of history. Please note that rats and cockroaches are known to feast on uncovered confectionaries and weekly pest control sprayings are included in your house upkeep fees.
Consider it living with a piece of history .
Finally, management would like to remind prospective renters that Unit #2206 has not experienced any supernatural instances since this year’s earlier incident. However, the Shandor values your comfort and safety beyond all else and will be happy to cover any and all personal expenses incurred in the event of supernatural instances or the formation of troublesome cross-dimensional tunnels. Call 555 -2 368 and ask for Ray or Venkman for details.
# 3. Die Hard
Newly renovated 2,100 sq. ft. open floor loft space located on the 32 nd floor of the Nakatomi Building in Century City is hosting an open home event this weekend. Thick-soled shoes required. Coca-Cola will be served. Please ignore the deep concrete crater and rubble located near the NW entrance while parking. Use the SE or SW entrance instead.
Walk past the two dozen heavily armed security guards stationed in the vestibule, continue past the newly installed Victims of the Nakatomi Terrorist Attack Memorial Wall, and bypass the elevators to find the rear stairs. This is a temporary arrangement — engineers inspecting the building concluded that, aside from the fifth floor and two elevator rods being completely destroyed, the damage is cosmetic in nature.
Nothing some irrational optimism can’t fixing .
Take the stairwell on your left and head up the staircase. Please watch for police tape, dried blood, and shell casings as you climb. The stairwell’s “active crime scene” status is temporary, but Century City’s reputation as one of the safest neighborhoods in Los Angeles is permanent. As you climb, consider also its many fine dining alternatives, shopping centers, and cultural treasures.
Please hold your breath and plug your snout as you climb between floors 23 and 30. Water damage from ruptured pipes caused toxic mold to form. But you won’t insure any water injury on your bottom line, as Nakatomi is pleased to provide complimentary water utility services to all its occupants.
Or complimentary milk delivery in our boobs-shaped courtyard .
Please deem removing your suit coat or other outerwear as you approach floor 32. Maintenance employees are working day and night to address the sweltering heat issues caused by severe damage to our ventilation system. Rest may be sure that these costly repairs — and the brand-new, top-of-the-line replacing equipment that comes with them! — will not be reflected in any rent increases or concealed fees. Nakatomi Properties LLC is currently trying punitive damages from “the mens” responsible for the damage in a public court of law.
What your rent does include is a pristine and refurbished New Wave work environment, a complimentary parking space that fits everything from a sleek convertible to a luxurious limousine, and access to our virtually impenetrable safe for storage of any valuables that you only couldn’t live without.