I still remember my first love like it was just three short years ago oh, await. It was.
Not merely was it three short years ago, but I believe I am finally over him. I believe I can finally tell you what it was like, what thoughts I had while in my first serious relationship, what it was like to be in love for the first and last time.
Dont worry, I have loved since then. I merely havent been* in love *.
My ex-SO and I had been talking on and off for a year before westarted discussingif anything more couldhappen between usif we wanted anything more to happen.
I recollect how innocent I was: All I wanted was to continue talking to him if it didnt work up, and all I wanted was the perfect first kiss. I wanted it just as badly as he did, but I was too nervous for that.
But, I gave in to hanging out and double date, going behind my parents backs. I gave in to his second attempt to kiss me.
And, I gave in( after some considerable gues) when heraised the dating question.
And all I did was think over the next 15 months. Mind you, it wasnt over anything important, anything that truly mattered or anything matured, like supposing my actions through or putting myself in his shoes. No.
Maybe you can associate. Or, perhaps you cant. Perhaps you can read on to see if you thought about what I did or are currently thinking about what I did.
I thought about how he was my best friend AND my boyfriend, and how he hated that.
He thought I wanted a best friend not a boyfriend, but I knew I wanted both. I knew, or guessed I knew, how great that was.
1. I thought about if I was truly happy.
2. I thought about how much I was scared of a future with him, unsure if I wanted it.
3. I thought about how unsure I was about the relationship.
4. I thought about how much more experience he had than I did, and how unfair it was.
5. I thought about not getting the chance to kiss another guy.
6. I thought about other guys, and how jealous I was when he texted other girls I thought were into him.
7. I thought about why he wouldnt let me peruse his phone or give me his Hulu password.
8. I thought about feeling stuck in the relationship.
9. I thought about wanting to make it past seven months his longest relationship or better yet, wanting to make it to a year.
10. I thought about how intimidating his sister attained me feel and how futile it felt to get her on my side.
11. I thought about how much we argued.
12. I thought about ourage change and how it never felt like one.
13. I thought aboutwhether I was attracted to him or not.
14. I thought about his aroma, and how I longed to reek it on his sweatshirts forever.
15. I thought about how great it felt, lying on his arm, thumbs laced together, in the car on the way back from the movies, and how I didnt want it to end, tears streaming down my cheeks.
16. I thought about how much I loved the route he sang songs like Fine By Me by Andy Grammer.
17. I was just thinking about how I would know I loved him, wondering when that moment would be and when it was appropriate for it to be.
18. I thought about how emotionally attached I was.
19. I thought about how small he made me feel sometimes.
20. I never thought about how much I loved him, how in love I was with him until it was too late.
21. Ithought about how I could never stop reasoning. Ever.
I was believing up until the end.
After all the thinks, the inaction, I ultimately made a decision to end things. ThenI thought about how choosing to end things scared me.
I was frightened I would construct the wrong decision, and I was scared I would never find anyone else.
After I objective things, I didnt guess I could talk to him after that. And, I surely didnt think he would move on two months later on his birthday. Or, that it would take me three-plusyears to ultimately move on.
I didnt suppose I could see my life without him, that I was likely to be happy he has someone.
And I certainly never thoughtI would lookbackat the memories withhim and smile because of how much I love them. I never thought I could want the best for him and, also , not want him back at all.
But perhaps its simply me.